You could blame it on the mid-semester slump. Or seasonal/wintertime blues. Maybe it's just going around?? Like the flu? or a cold? It can't be. It seems impossible. But if we took a second to stop and listen in the complete silence, kinda like on a snowy day when you walk outside and just hear the sound of nothing. The streets are silent. The city is quiet. And noise does not exist. I think we could hear a small quiet whispered echo..."Deliver me." It'd be coming from each person who is in the scene. Like on the movies. When you can here the character thinking out loud but no one else in the scene can. It's what I hear anyways.
God. Our hearts are aching. They hurt. And sometimes it just doesn't make sense. How did it get like this? Was there something we could have done to prevent this? Everywhere I look I see hearts aching from a something. A broken relationship, an unhealthy relationship, a distorted view of themselves, a loss of a loved one, a struggle with alcohol/drugs/porn, questions of "Am I good enough?...will I ever be?," thoughts of harming themselves, a battle with depression, and contemplations of simple existence.
We can't take this God!! And we're crying for the sunshine to come. Or maybe spring will bring a breath of fresh air. But that's still awhile away. So what to do before then? Keep on keepin' on? Or just ride it out? Everything happens for a reason? Hope? Believe?
Today I asked myself if this prayer and cry could be answered. And I wondered if God really heard it but yet he keeps us here. All together. In the same cry. But what for? Maybe to heal together? Or learn what healing feels like? Or to fight it out and gain that much more in life after we're past this?
I guess I'll rest on those thoughts for now. A belief that we're all in this hard life together. But my heart is still crying for deliverance. For myself. For us.
meg
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Here's My Story
So many of you may know my heart and my love for nursing. I've always wanted to be a nurse actually. I pretended for a couple of years that I wanted to be a teacher just so that me and my best friend Lindsey could have classrooms next to each other and have classroom pets together. (Gotta love those days of middle school)
If you look back in my mom's stash of pictures, there's a picture of me when I'm somewhere around the age of 9 or 10 and it was career day at school and of course, I'm dressed up as a nurse. (Sappy story, I know) But, it's adorable because I'm so tiny and I'm wearing scrubs and I have a fake stethoscope and a clip board (representing a patient's a chart I guess). But ever since then, I've just always dreamed of being a real live nurse who can care for anyone who needs help. Caring for people is my speciality and what better profession. I'm also in love with the human body and just how well it is made. Studying it all at the college level has only emphasized that for me because everything just works so well together! (you get hot.. you sweat, your blood pressure goes down.. your heart starts beating faster to make up for it, you're losing a lot of blood.. your body redirects it away from places that don't need it like kidneys and fingernails for the moment being) Its so cool and it just emphasizes the awe of God planning every single fiber of our beings.
Well here I am. AU Nursing School in the year 2009. It's almost surreal because its like when you're a kid and you imagine that adults are so old and you'll never be one, but then you wake up one day and you can buy alcohol, have your own checking account, and go to bed whenever you want.
So last summer I decided to get more integrated into the actual field of nursing so I applied for an internship at Ball Memorial Hospital. I didn't get to pick exactly, but I ended up on the Oncology Unit. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It's a unit full of joy and sorrow wrapped up all into one emotional packed feeling of success and failure at the same time. I learned so much over the summer and really began to feel like belonged on the floor as an actual nurse. Patients trust what I have to say to answer their questions and they watch me learn and gain confidence right in front of them. And the thing about cancer patients...they're happy to see a smiling face whether you know a lot about nursing or you're just there to refill their cup of water.
So my heart lies in the Trauma/ER, crisis/disaster field and someday I hope to be there. I dream of having my fingers in some one's gushing artery yelling out orders to GET ME 5 MG OF ATROPINE! AND YOU, I NEED 50 ML D5W STAT! That's my dream anyways. And when I interviewed for my student nurse position my manager, Dani, asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated. And when I told her that this was my dream she told me I wasn't going to necessarily get that on the cancer floor. She said "it's actually a much slower death up here."
In all reality. I love where I'm at right now. Its actually the inspiration for me starting this blog. I wanna write about the experiences I've had and the patients I've encountered. The look I've seen in their eyes and the life lessons I walk out the door and leave at the end of the day with. Some days I just come home and cry because of I try to make sense of it all. Its frustrating to see the value of life ending in front of your very own eyes and something that robs a person from continuing on. Especially when I'm the personality that wants to fix everything so it will just be better. I'm the oldest child of 5 and that's been my whole mission in life. I have 4 little ones to look out for and I would never want them to experience the pain life brings us (I'm not sure I'll be able to be a parent)
"But if we would all just accept how freaking vulnerable we are." A quote from my psychology professor. We gotta be vulnerable in this life and I think we spend our whole lives running away and covering up the most honest truth that we ARE so freaking vulnerable. It hurts to be this vulnerable. But it almost seems like we learn the most when we do open up to true vulnerability. The end of my prof's quote was "we're all just gonna die anyways."
That we are. That we are.
Meg
If you look back in my mom's stash of pictures, there's a picture of me when I'm somewhere around the age of 9 or 10 and it was career day at school and of course, I'm dressed up as a nurse. (Sappy story, I know) But, it's adorable because I'm so tiny and I'm wearing scrubs and I have a fake stethoscope and a clip board (representing a patient's a chart I guess). But ever since then, I've just always dreamed of being a real live nurse who can care for anyone who needs help. Caring for people is my speciality and what better profession. I'm also in love with the human body and just how well it is made. Studying it all at the college level has only emphasized that for me because everything just works so well together! (you get hot.. you sweat, your blood pressure goes down.. your heart starts beating faster to make up for it, you're losing a lot of blood.. your body redirects it away from places that don't need it like kidneys and fingernails for the moment being) Its so cool and it just emphasizes the awe of God planning every single fiber of our beings.
Well here I am. AU Nursing School in the year 2009. It's almost surreal because its like when you're a kid and you imagine that adults are so old and you'll never be one, but then you wake up one day and you can buy alcohol, have your own checking account, and go to bed whenever you want.
So last summer I decided to get more integrated into the actual field of nursing so I applied for an internship at Ball Memorial Hospital. I didn't get to pick exactly, but I ended up on the Oncology Unit. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It's a unit full of joy and sorrow wrapped up all into one emotional packed feeling of success and failure at the same time. I learned so much over the summer and really began to feel like belonged on the floor as an actual nurse. Patients trust what I have to say to answer their questions and they watch me learn and gain confidence right in front of them. And the thing about cancer patients...they're happy to see a smiling face whether you know a lot about nursing or you're just there to refill their cup of water.
So my heart lies in the Trauma/ER, crisis/disaster field and someday I hope to be there. I dream of having my fingers in some one's gushing artery yelling out orders to GET ME 5 MG OF ATROPINE! AND YOU, I NEED 50 ML D5W STAT! That's my dream anyways. And when I interviewed for my student nurse position my manager, Dani, asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated. And when I told her that this was my dream she told me I wasn't going to necessarily get that on the cancer floor. She said "it's actually a much slower death up here."
In all reality. I love where I'm at right now. Its actually the inspiration for me starting this blog. I wanna write about the experiences I've had and the patients I've encountered. The look I've seen in their eyes and the life lessons I walk out the door and leave at the end of the day with. Some days I just come home and cry because of I try to make sense of it all. Its frustrating to see the value of life ending in front of your very own eyes and something that robs a person from continuing on. Especially when I'm the personality that wants to fix everything so it will just be better. I'm the oldest child of 5 and that's been my whole mission in life. I have 4 little ones to look out for and I would never want them to experience the pain life brings us (I'm not sure I'll be able to be a parent)
"But if we would all just accept how freaking vulnerable we are." A quote from my psychology professor. We gotta be vulnerable in this life and I think we spend our whole lives running away and covering up the most honest truth that we ARE so freaking vulnerable. It hurts to be this vulnerable. But it almost seems like we learn the most when we do open up to true vulnerability. The end of my prof's quote was "we're all just gonna die anyways."
That we are. That we are.
Meg
Sunday, February 15, 2009
My Blog. My Rules.
So I've been thinking about blogging for a long time now. Maybe over a year. And its been a back and forth battle.
At first it seemed like the most modern thing to do...using a computer to write down all my thoughts would save me so much time. But I stayed true to my traditional ways. I love my journal. Its only me and my writing. Sometimes the sentences don't make sense, they run together at times and I'm jumping all over the place with thoughts. Let's not even mention the misspellings and left out words. Plus, something inside me just fills up with life when I can sit down and write and know that everything that is behind that cover is just me. I don't ever want to give that up and I don't plan to. Sometimes I think about just placing the journal I've kept for years in the lap of my future husband, like 3 days before we're married, and saying "Here, this is everything you'll even need to know about me." I've had it since junior year of High School. But publishing this? Why would I want anyone to read what goes on inside of me? I've been too self conscious of what would happen if I actually posted my thoughts and then if people don't like them then do they not like me? That's a stupid mentality but it lives inside me. And here's another thing. I've just thought I'd have to have a blog like everyone else and I question my ability to stay up with that. Politics..don't care enough. Music...I'm under-educated. News...I don't surround myself with it. Social justice...I'm nervous my level of activism is judged.
But then it hit me... there's something I really do care about. It gets my heart beating. My blood pumps uncontrollably. And there's a pressure just at the surface of my chest that wants to burst. And that's being a nurse and taking care of people. And I've been cautious of being the girl who is only obsessed with what she is doing and the adult that grows to only talk about their work. I've even gotten frustrated at the other nursing majors when its the only thing they live for and even wear their scrubs when they're not in the hospital. That's not me but here's the thing: I love it. I love what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to the experiences I'm going to get and it's what I want to write about. These are my experiences and they're teaching me a whole lot about this world and really that's all I want to share (So i guess it doesn't have to be my inner most deepest thoughts). I always knew that if I did start a blog I wouldn't tell anybody so it wouldn't feel like someone invaded my head. But I really do want to share the things I'm learning from the real hard reality I come in to contact with everyday. Its been impacting to me so far and is really shaping how I see the world. And that's all a blog is right?? So if you're reading I want you to know that my work is hard but I love it and I don't want to do anything else in this whole world. (Except take a ride in a hot air balloon). Some basic rules to get this started: I misspell a lot, I don't care about grammar, I get super proud of my clever titles (just like in my journal too), and my overall objective is to simply share my paradigm and the hurting world I'm helping take care of.
At first it seemed like the most modern thing to do...using a computer to write down all my thoughts would save me so much time. But I stayed true to my traditional ways. I love my journal. Its only me and my writing. Sometimes the sentences don't make sense, they run together at times and I'm jumping all over the place with thoughts. Let's not even mention the misspellings and left out words. Plus, something inside me just fills up with life when I can sit down and write and know that everything that is behind that cover is just me. I don't ever want to give that up and I don't plan to. Sometimes I think about just placing the journal I've kept for years in the lap of my future husband, like 3 days before we're married, and saying "Here, this is everything you'll even need to know about me." I've had it since junior year of High School. But publishing this? Why would I want anyone to read what goes on inside of me? I've been too self conscious of what would happen if I actually posted my thoughts and then if people don't like them then do they not like me? That's a stupid mentality but it lives inside me. And here's another thing. I've just thought I'd have to have a blog like everyone else and I question my ability to stay up with that. Politics..don't care enough. Music...I'm under-educated. News...I don't surround myself with it. Social justice...I'm nervous my level of activism is judged.
But then it hit me... there's something I really do care about. It gets my heart beating. My blood pumps uncontrollably. And there's a pressure just at the surface of my chest that wants to burst. And that's being a nurse and taking care of people. And I've been cautious of being the girl who is only obsessed with what she is doing and the adult that grows to only talk about their work. I've even gotten frustrated at the other nursing majors when its the only thing they live for and even wear their scrubs when they're not in the hospital. That's not me but here's the thing: I love it. I love what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to the experiences I'm going to get and it's what I want to write about. These are my experiences and they're teaching me a whole lot about this world and really that's all I want to share (So i guess it doesn't have to be my inner most deepest thoughts). I always knew that if I did start a blog I wouldn't tell anybody so it wouldn't feel like someone invaded my head. But I really do want to share the things I'm learning from the real hard reality I come in to contact with everyday. Its been impacting to me so far and is really shaping how I see the world. And that's all a blog is right?? So if you're reading I want you to know that my work is hard but I love it and I don't want to do anything else in this whole world. (Except take a ride in a hot air balloon). Some basic rules to get this started: I misspell a lot, I don't care about grammar, I get super proud of my clever titles (just like in my journal too), and my overall objective is to simply share my paradigm and the hurting world I'm helping take care of.
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