I've been Eaten

"Nurses eat their young"

A little saying known in the health care field...I've always wondered what this means but let me tell you what it means:

It means crushing a small spirit that's trying to grow.

It means snatching the joy right out of some one's heart.

It means snickering at another just to make them feel belittled.

It means having no remorse for the little girl who's crying in the bathroom.

Worst day of my life today. That's an exaggerated saying, but really. This someone was me and you could go so far to say that today I was eaten by my very own kind.

I had clinicals in the ICU today and I was feeling a little intimidated just walking in. It'd been a week or two since I'd been here so its like trying to remember what it feels like to tie shoe strings when you've had velcro shoes for a couple of years. You don't actually forget...its just weird for awhile.

To add to my intimidation and uneasiness I got assigned to the worst nurse on the planet. I guess I'll give her some credit...but not much. I had watched her on the floor before today and I was scared of her not even having her as my assigned nurse. She's terrible rude and unapproachable, stuck in her ways, and maybe even holds her nose a little higher than everyone else. (that's my opinion anyways)

I worked up the courage to introduce myself to her and she barely looked at me twice. She told me I wouldn't have much to do during the day...immediately shooting me down. Most nurses let you follow them or show you stuff as they go about their day. This one didn't care if I sat in the corner all morning.

So I tried to continue on with positive thoughts and did the things I knew how to and then it came for me to give my patient her morning meds at 9 am but this nurse already did it at 7:30. Shot down. No opportunity for me.

I tried to keep myself busy and look around for stuff to get in on, but I just kept feeling in the way and unimportant. I kept telling myself that I was important and then all of sudden I began believing that I wasn't.

The ICU seemed so big. The halls were so long. And I was so small.

I tried to ask my nurse a question later and again, shot down. I was just in her way. Again, my patient wanted to talk to her so I said I would go find her for them and when I got her attention she was annoyed and asked what it is that she could possibly be needed for that I couldn't just do myself.

By 10 am, the doctor had ordered a new medicine for my patient and got excited that it was finally time to BE something of importance and have some kind of worth. But I had to wait on my professor and by the time the nurse saw I was still waiting on my professor (maybe a 15 min. wait) the nurse said "I'll just do it" and ripped the medicine right out of my hand and ran into the room to do it with no regard of anything that she just destroyed in me.

I wanted to cry. But I held back. I tried to still watch. But nothing inside me wanted to be in the hospital anymore. I didn't even want to have my scrubs anymore. I'll turn in my badge. I'll hand you anything you need to let me go. I don't want this anymore.

I spent awhile crying in the bathroom. And I spent more hours today debating on whether I should actually be a nurse. One of my most truest passions.

But then my professor saw me and took me to a quiet room and sat down in a chair beside me and just let me vent. She talked with me and calmed me down and then looked me in the eye and said "You're gonna be a good nurse."

So I believed her.

I dried my eyes and thought...I hope I have a student follow me someday and when I do...I hope I make them feel on top of the world. Not like shit. I deserved better. Human beings deserve better.

My professor said I still learned things today. Maybe I did. She's probably right.

meg

Here's My Apple

Homeless and beggars BREAK my heart. They've always broken my heart. And the fact of the matter is that it should always continue to break my heart.



I remember a time when I was little (like maybe 7) and me and my family were driving to go get our Christmas pictures...so it was sometime in November. And we drove by a corner and there was a homeless man in a wheelchair with no legs past his knees. He was holding a sign that said HUNGRY WILL WORK FOR FOOD. And as a 7 year old I just couldn't understand how this man didn't have food! I have food whenever I want it...so why can't he? So I did the natural 7 year old girl thing and I just started crying. And my parents in the front of the van were so confused. They had no idea what triggered my break down but I could barely even speak. I just kept crying and breathing really hard and snot running down my face. WE JUST DROVE BY A MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE ANY FOOD! AND THE WORST THING IS THAT HE'D EVEN SAID HE'D WORK AND HE HAS NO LEGS!!!!!!



My parents spent a great deal of time trying to calm me down and they said we could buy him some food on our way home...I just needed to stop crying so we could take the pictures. But I didn't want to! I needed to get food to that man! Eventually my soul calmed and I couldn't wait to give get back to him. But after the pictures were done, we drove by that corner again... and he wasn't even there anymore.



Don't even think that story will ever leave me.



Fast forward to today. I'm 21 and still just as confused as to what to do for those people. I spent a lot of time Freshman year hanging out homeless people on Friday nights and I got to know some real well. I've had both positive and negative experiences stick with me, but I'm constantly trying to refine my perspective and my actions in the present.



Yet I have the same worry of what do I do?? I've been weary about being a young single woman and yet wanting to show nothing but compassion. But I've been warned to be on my guard and that's always in the back of my mind. This is my dilemma.



The past couple of weeks I've seen the same homeless man at the interstate exit and I just sit there at the light and think...I can't do anything. Little money, fear of being taken advantage of, and doubt that anything I do CHANGES anything.



3 weeks have gone by with this pit in my stomach because of the guilt I feel of not being able to do anything. And then here came the 4th week just this past Monday where I had to take this dreaded exit and see the same eye stare in my car and feel the same feeling. The feeling that I have everything and can't think of anything I could do for this man. I was waiting at the light and then I looked down and I saw an apple I had in my cup holder. Then it hit me. GIVE THIS AWAY. And I got so excited.



I looked on the floor of the passenger seat and I also had a bag of chips I didn't eat at lunch. Oh! And a rice krispie in the back seat!!! I rolled down my window so anxiously, this time hoping the light would actually NOT change soon and yelled "Hey! Do you want my apple?!?"



This is a long story for a real simple ending. But it changed something inside of me. I saw that I had something to "do" that was right under my nose (sitting in my cup holder) the whole time!

And I drove away thinking "I wonder how many people have "apples" right under their noses and just don't know what to do with them."