Absolutes

Living a life of absolutes. Is that what we long for? A foundation to stand our feet on, a structure to lean against, or just a general idea to know where we're going?

I was trying to think if the awkwardness experienced in middle school/jr. high was better or worse than the sense of awkwardness I feel in this period of life right now: A lack of general direction. Uneasiness as to what path to walk down. Hesitation that any or all of the decisions I make may be wrong or not the best.

I know in a couple of years I'll be past this stage and looking back upset if I don't embrace this time. Everything just seems so uncertain. The most stable thing I have right now is that my lease lasts for one entire year. But anything past that is one big ???

I've always lived a life of absolutes. My dad has always had the same job. I've lived in the same house. Gone to the same school for all 13 years. I've always known I want to be a nurse. And the biggest decision I ever had to make was whether to keep playing flute or quit the volleyball team. Ha. How silly that seems now but I'm pretty sure I cried over it.

I think I'm beginning to realize that the more I try to sit down and figure this all out I just waste time and make myself anxious. So I'm making a pledge to love it right now and honor the mystery.

That's probably why I get urges such as jumping in a car and driving to Boston. I hope that never fades, nor the unique person who brings that out in me.

meg

Independence Day

July 4th. A day that will forever be ingrained in us as Americans to celebrate or at least recognize. We can't even really help it. Businesses are closed. Grocery stores are packed with people. And even if you tried to live in a shell...you'd at least hear the fireworks. But for what?? Our "Independence"? Our "Freedom"? The lie we tell ourselves that we're no longer "suffering"?

This holiday gets sillier and sillier the older I get. And it's simply because I'm slowly realizing that we're not as independent as we think we are. We're not "free" in ways we wish we could be. And suffering? Take a look around.

June has been a month of brokenness for me. A heartbreak. A reality check. A refocus on my life perspective. And I've had it so programmed in me to not share any of it. So that I appear "independent." And to have pride that I "figured it out" on my own. But this 4th of July, I hit rock bottom and thought that this whole theory is a lie someone told our country and we fight everyday to try and believe it.

I hate being weak. I hate even more to have people see me at my weakest. No one likes to "seem" helpless or cry out for help in moments of desperation. It's the American way-to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and keep trudging through this hard knock life. But something inside me has wondered if this way is really working for all of us. It's not for me. And that's a confession.

Every shower I've taken in the past month, I've sat on the floor crying for 20 minutes or so hoping no one can hear. I hold back my tears when I'm with friends. And when people ask me how I'm doing I'll just mention that I've been working a lot. I struggle wanting to be in Anderson because its a place that is making me stay in this weak state for the moment being, so I'll constantly make plans with friends in other cities to get away. And this July 4th was the epitome of it all: maybe the weakest I've been yet. 11 people stayed at my house for the weekend celebration...and not one of them probably knew that I cried myself to sleep or left the parade early to be alone. And the next day when I laid in my bed for literally 6 hours I decided to run away. I went crazy. I got in my car and drove to the interstate, not having a clue what I was doing. I knew I had snapped. I knew that I was weak.

I was headed toward Louisville, only because I saw a sign and an hour and half into it I stopped to think how crazy I actually was. My phone rang and it was my grandpa who I rarely talk to and he said he was just wondering what I was doing. I had to lie and said I was with friends. But it hit me that there was no need to keep pretending like I was this independent. I was alone and scared and missing out on a cookout simply because I don't let people see me when I'm weak.

I'm a perfectionist by nature and it's always driven me to the grave. How in the world did I get this idea in my head that it's all got to be together? Don't let anyone see me like this? Get the wrinkles ironed out so no one notices?

It's with this realization that I pray our relationship grows from dependence...not just on each other but from the support around us. The conversations I've had in the past month have been the most meaningful that I'm sure they ever could have been without this bump in the road. And for the people who are watching, reconciliation is happening before your very eyes. I want to thank every single one of you for the support you've given...whether you know it or not. It's huge. Life marking. Needed. For both of us.

I made it back to Anderson just in time for the fireworks. And I watched them burst in delight thinking that I tried to run away but ended back home. My home of support...of growth...and of freedom to learn how to mend the broken pieces back together. 

meg