New Space

I've needed new space to think, breathe, write, and be creative. Therefore....i have a tumblr now :)

Follow me at:

http://www.megnmarie.tumblr.com

Accomplishments

My grandma Mimi once told me that before she married my grandpa, they sat down and talked about all the things they wanted to do together in their lifetime. Things like raising children, going camping, taking boat rides, exploring the arctic, etc...then she stopped and realized "we accomplished every single one of them."

I can only hope my life is that fulfilling.

And what I wouldn't do to just give her phone call right now...

The Day

March 10, 2011:

The day my parent's divorce was final.
The day everything I've ever known changed forever.
The day I wasn't sure who to trust anymore.
The day I became scared of the future.
The day I realized I need my siblings more than anything.
The day I promised myself to speak up no matter what.
The day I no longer look forward to the holidays.
The day I learned we all hurt each other.
The day I promised my future family will never happen to them.
The day that will forever have an impact.

Little Thoughts

Anger.
Hurt.
Resentment.
Sadness.
Numb.
Depression.
Upset.
Failure.
Broken.
Worry.
Fear.
Mistrust.
Destroyed.
Ugly.
Trapped.
Ruined.
Hope.
Relationships.
Foundations.
Stronger.
New Beginnings.
Faith.
Love.
Intention.
Prayer.
Learning.
Family.
Scars.
Future.
Change.
Little ones.
Healing.
Forgiveness.
Peace.


Reveal yourself to us, God....We need to see your face.


"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3

I just didn't really think that this would be our last family christmas card

Lion Fight

" So...Chin up. Put your shoulders back. Walk proud. Strut a little. Don't lick your wounds...celebrate them. You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar."

Foundations

Parents are supposed to be your foundation. After all, that is what YOU alone were founded on. They brought you into this world. Kept you alive when you couldn't even hold your own head up. Sent you to school for the first time so you could learn all the basics. Put you in sports and extra curricular activities so you would make friends. Answered your questions about why the sky is blue, how babies are made, and what it means to do right and wrong. They watch you grow through those awkward, awkward years of puberty and trying to find your friends you can count on for the rest of your life. They stay up late and worry while you had the keys to the car for the first time and knew you had no idea how to be responsible even though you thought you couldn't deserve it more. They sat by proudly as you made your own decisions and decided to create a path for your future with college, relationships, and real adult jobs. They support your travels and all of the world you want to see. And they're always itching to just hear what you're up to next.

But then what do you do when that very foundation seems to crumble?
When you realize Mom and Dad have no idea what they're doing in this life anymore than you do?
How do you confront the issues that have been there you're whole life but you never noticed them because you were too busy aging?
And most of all.....where is it that we go from here?
Just...where is it?

Hail Mary

Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death,

Amen.

We circled around her hospital bed, holding hands, chanting this prayer as she took her last couple breaths of life. Her breaths were long and deep. We never knew when the last one would be. I looked down at her small little crooked hands and squeezed them as tight as I could. I whispered in her ear that I was here with her. I rubbed her hair and blessed her forehead like she always did to me before I left her presence. She made a cross on our foreheads, then a cross on our chins and two dots for each cheek saying "Always remember, never forget, Mimi loves you very much."

I couldn't help but think of all the many many times she blessed me. Probably ever since I entered this world. She was the proudest grandma on the face of this earth. My mother told me I would've have probably never survived my first year of childhood if it weren't for her. She helped raise me. She was there every screaming night I couldn't sleep as a baby. I remember all the childhood sleepovers at her house, only fully complete with my very own suitcase that said "going to Mimi's." Ah..the fresh toast and hot chocolate in the morning around her kitchen table. She watched me pick up a flute for the first time in 6th grade and every concert I played since then she said I was the only one that never missed a note. She watched all my accomplishments in high school telling me every moment that I was becoming a very beautiful intelligent and remarkable young woman. I remember when I was 16 and wrecked my car I was too scared to tell my dad so it was her that I called. She believed in my dreams of becoming a nurse and stayed by my side the whole 4 year struggle it took to finally get the degree. I would call her every week when I had a hard exam coming up so she could pray that day and hour for me to succeed. She cried with me on the phone when I was going through that hard, hard breakup and asked why someone whould ever treat her Megan like that. She jumped for joy when I would stop by her home and bring her an iced tea. She delighted in every single story I had to share. She deeply treasured our friendship as did I.

She always wanted to hear of my adventures, my upsets, and worries. She taught me to trust my woman's intuition. Never apologize, accidents happen. Pray and meditate with the Lord. Always put family first. Be intentional. And always....always...watch out for those damn deer.

I am so very very blessed to have my life touched by such a strong, proud, and loving devout woman. She was...and always will be... my beloved Mimi.

Proud Parent Moment

The music was loud. The passion came through the mic. The band couldn't have been more in sync. I watched from the bar like a proud parent. Every person observed with wide eyes and kept conversation to a minimum. After the show, the band manager took the band out to eat (I got to come along by association) They escorted us back to a secluded conference room with business chairs on wheels. Then came the head of the company, the power of attorney, and a lawyer. What seemed to just be a fun Saturday night quickly turned to be the beginning of something great. We thought getting dinner paid for was going to be the best part, but then the company owner sat down and talked about how stinkin incredible he thought the music was. The band took the compliments and listened to what he had to say. He said "I believe in what you guys are doing. The life that screams through the songs, the rhythm that gels together so well, and the future potential you hold." They all signed their names on a contract created solely to help them succeed. They said "we started this company to find talent, and you guys are the people we are looking for." My eyes started to well up. The excitement burned inside my chest. AND I'M NOT EVEN PART OF THE BAND!! It was like seeing a toddler beginning to take their first steps in learning how to walk. Or that child getting on the school bus for the first time in their life. Just how more proud could I be? We took a bathroom break in the middle of dinner and I ran and jumped into a hug with Joel. THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING! I said, while he remained calm and called the whole thing surreal.

A music career will certainly have its ups and downs, but for now it seems to be a slow climb up and I couldn't be happier to be here in the most beginning of it all and will continue to take every step with him :)

It's Ok!

Hey! It's OK to....

-call in "sick" at work if you just need a day to sleep away the last bad day you had there

-not go to the gym because its cold outside even though you'd technically be indoors

-spend too much money on exotic food you've never had before just for the experience

-eat snacks in the comfort of your own bed

-have a long term goal and wait until time starts running out to get working on it

-research future honeymoons since it will be the best vacation of your lifetime

Small Town USA

I never really appreciated living in a small town until yesterday when I had problems with my bank and had to call them to straighten something out. I recognized the lady's voice over the phone and we talked longer than just the straightening out the mixup. She knows my parents, where I live, her son played baseball with my younger brother for a few years, and the list goes on. After I hung up I thought that most people probably don't experience that.

My town's name is Russiaville. Pronounced "Roo-sha-ville" not Russia like its spelled. Home to just one 4 way stop and a little league baseball diamond I spent most of my childhood. My family rarely locks the doors to our house. I've always left my keys in my car ignition so I don't have to spend time looking for them. People honk if they see my family outside when they drive by. And I can walk across the street to the IGA for any kind of last minute ingredient my mom needs for dinner. (And when I was younger and wouldn't count the money my Mom gave me right, the cashier just said don't worry about it.)

All of these things I feel like I'm finally starting to appreciate. But something in me longs for the city life. The tall buildings all around me. The diverse groups of people. Walking down sidewalks while thousands of cars pass by. Night lights. I crave it. I want to be part of something big. But yet I love the close-knit feeling I get when I run into people I know and they tell me they liked my family's christmas card this year.

To me the city represents young adult independence (however false that idea may be.) To get out on my own and stay up late all night with the city. I just recently thought of it as a type of "promise land." A sense of freedom and my own establishment. Hopes of moving sometime in the next year. And like I said, being part of something big.

Wherever I end up and however I get there, I love where I've come from and will never stop pronouncing it "Roo-sha-ville" even though people don't understand why its spelled like Russia.

2010 Recap

2010 has been a really great year and it seems to me that 2011 can only get better.

Here's a recap on 2010:

January - spent New Years in Chicago at Margot & The Nuclear So & Sos concert with a really great group of friends

March - Started dating a wonderful friend of 4 years Mr. Joel Levi <3

April - Spent 2 1/2 weeks on the other side of the world in China traveling to Beijing, Shanghai, and Hangzhou

May - Finished 4 long years of undergrad at AU graduating with a BSN (Finally!)

June - Took a hot air balloon ride as a graduation gift from my aunt and uncle with Joel!

July - Passed nursing boards!

August - Hired on to my first real RN job at St. Vincent Hospital on the Head & Neck Post-op Unit (benefits & vacation time, the real deal!)

October - Took a weekend trip to Nashville with Joel to explore the city and see Metric in concert (looked at possible places to live!)

November - Officially entered young adulthood turning the big 2-3

Like I said, 2010 couldn't have been better but here's whats on the radar for me and 2011:

-running Indy Mini Marathon

-tickets to Lady Gaga!

-95% chance I'm moving to Nashville, TN

-go to a NCAA March Madness game

-find an area of nursing that i really truly love (looking into Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville)

Maybe, Just Maybe

I've spent a whole entire year trying to find answers as to how the person who seemed to cause the most heartache, pain and mayhem in my life found me...made a mess...and left.

Let's just say tonight I had a tiny sliver of a revelation that left me scratching my chin thinking...and the slightest bit thankful.
(but i would never confess that outloud, so lets just keep this between you and me.)

Life is funny sometimes.
-meg

Holiday Cheer

Seems to me that this is what Christmas should be all about :)

Can vs. Can't

Hello. My name is Meg and I will be your nurse tonight.

I can't really take all your pain away.

I can't make you sleep peacefully through the night or relieve all your worry.

I can't give you your voice back since your new trach or neck surgery seemed to take it away.

I can't make it less annoying to write everything out or even make you feel confident in your writing.

I can't make your financial burden from this complicated surgery any less.

I can't begin to fathom your fears about your new way of life...breathing from your neck or alterations made to your face and how different society will look at you.

I can't promise to know everything, make no mistakes, or have it all together.

But what I can do...is be the nurse I know how to be and take care of you through this rough night that I get to share with you.

My name is Meg and I am your nurse tonight.

Analogies of Nursing

These past 2 months have been haaarrrdddd. Who knew? Some would think it would be all sunshine and rainbows getting a great new job right out of college. But I can't exactly agree. There have been nights I wanted to quit. Turn in my RN license I spent 4 years and 3 nonstop months studying for. There have been other nights I drive home crying...And other nights I cry right when I walk in the door. Thoughts ring over and over in my head "I can't do this. I'll never be able to do this." Most people I've talk to don't understand and I feel selfish not being grateful for a job first of all, and second of all enjoying what I'm doing because its what I've always wanted to do and I'm getting paid to do what I love.

After sorting some thoughts, I've come with an analogy to roughly explain the pressure and overwhelming feelings that have made these months as hard as I say they've been:

I love serving people. Therefore, I've always wanted to be a waitress. I took special waitressing classes, went to some seminars, and read plenty of books on it. Now that I'm finally in young adulthood (I was not settling for any old teenage waitressing job, I wanted the real stuff) I can thrive on what I've always wanted to do.

Of course in school they taught about how to take care of the people seated at the tables. I know the basics. But I guess there's more they didn't necessarily go over in class. While I know the fundamentals of how to carry my tray, take an order, and bring the food...I didn't know people would want refills so often. Refills, extra napkins, maybe they dropped their silverware. Maybe they had one drink and now want a different one. Ok. I'm busy I got this. This only takes a little extra sweat.

But add 7, 8, or 9 tables. Whoa. I've only been waitressing for a couple weeks and I don't know if I can multitask that well. Guess I don't get a choice. Ok stick with the basics. But my skills aren't super great yet. I still kinda forget the science of balancing the tray. Sometimes I drop plates and run into other waiters. Ugh this is frustrating and embarrassing. I forget the silverware half the time and keep forgetting to watch for the refills.

I know that I'm a good waitress, but all these mistakes keep proving me wrong. Oh. And I have to remember that even though I'm frustrated I need to put a smile on my face to keep the customers happy. EVEN IF they are not so nice to me back or are kinda grumpy because their food is late. That's just part of being a waitress.

So I'm working hard, hard, hard to get these skills down, multitask, remember what I gotta do and fulfill my job description when the other waitresses want to help me out. They try to remind about some things...if you carry 4 glasses use a 16" tray and if you have over 6 use a 18". Ok got it. They tell me when you write the checks use the computer instead of the credit card machine because it doesn't work anymore. Got it. Oh and if they get only appetizers make sure to include the drinks with the checks otherwise they come with the meal. But if they got appetizers with a meal than just don't worry about the charges for a drink because it doesn't matter. ooook. got it?

Why didn't they teach me all this in the classes I took or the books I read? I'm guessing because every restaurant is different? Or maybe this is all the icing on the career and none of the fundamentals.

On top of all the stress I already described....there's the managers. Man oh man the managers. They get paid more than the waitresses but they are good at running the whole restaurant. They make sure I'm taking care of each table the BEST that the restaurant promises. But sometimes they're a little difficult to work with. Sometimes they'll give one table an extra side item. Or want to make sure table gets all salad with the meal to help their digestion. Maybe they want another table to hold off getting their food until they get to see them...and then I just have a really pissed off table. Oh. and the managers are kinda cocky because they run the restaurant and don't really treat the waitresses and waiters like I had imagined. I thought we'd work together but if they want to control the restaurant I'll just make sure to stay out of their way.

All the pressures that come along with a new job include getting to know the people you work with. And I guess I'm one of the youngest waitresses out there. All the waitresses have been working 10-20-25 years. So they look like pros! They never drop their trays! They always know when to get a refill! They even know how to talk to the scary managers who seem to proud to talk back! Man I feel stupid around all of them. How do I even fit in with them? How do I find things in common to talk about? Hell, how do I work side by side with them?

Here's a little extra thing at the restaurant I work at. They have these "Drink Passers" so I don't have to worry about bringing a table all their drinks. They are licensed but just didn't take all the classes I took to become a waitress so they are sorta "under" me if you will. They enjoy their job but all they can do is pass out drinks. They too have been doing this 20-25-even 30 years. And they have their skills down to a tee. But they work with me as a waitress. I wasn't prepared to be telling them what to do. I can barely figure out what I'm supposed to be doing! They're sorta helpful, but again...they only do drinks. I gotta figure out the rest of the stuff. Oh. And no one told me they'd sometimes get grumpy because I'm way younger than them and make more tips than they do.

Hello real world. I can't believe this is what you are. Please be kind. I have many years left with you.

-Meg

In the Hum-drum

A quote from Fredrick Beuchner:

"It seemed to me then, and it seems to me still, that if God speaks to us at all in this world, if God speaks anywhere, it is into our personal lives that he speaks. Someone we love dies, say, some unforeseen act of kindness or cruelty touches the heart or makes the blood run cold. We fail a friend or a friend fails us. And we are appalled at the capacity all of us have estranging the very people in our lives we need the most...

Or maybe nothing extraordinary happens at all. Just one day following another, helter-skelter, in the manner of days. We sleep and dream. We wake, we work. We remember and forget. We have fun and are depressed. And in to the thick of it, or out of the thick of it, at moments at even the most hum-drum of our days…God speaks."

I've spent a lot of time pondering why it is that we have to go through the things that we do. Why certain things take a toll on our lives the way they do. The good times and bad. The people that touch us and the people the hurt us. The circumstances we find ourselves in and how or why we even got there.

This time a year ago I was so so so angry at my life's situation. We've all been there at some point right? I didn't do anything wrong and yet it seemed as if I was intentionally left to bleed on the side of the road. And now a year later, I look back at the time and wish I only could've seen me now.

My, oh my, the journey it took. The questions that swarmed my brain and never rested; The confusion and daze I spent months in; The friendships that helped literally carry me though. I spent many dark lonely nights wondering what good could ever come. Today I smile, knowing now, I grew from the darkness and couldn't be shining any brighter today.

It seems too cliche to thank God for those dark moments. To "praise him in the storm" or "dance in the rain." Only a faithful saint could thank God for the mud that gets thrown at them.

My world shouldn't have stormed at all. My heart shouldn't have been broken in a trillion pieces and left a single piece of tape to fix it.

But here's to letting go of the anger and knowing that in those moments God was speaking, and in the moments today I spend reflecting, his voice is even louder.

-meg

You Won't Dance Alone

This video is inspiring to me.

Maybe just because I'm a nurse, but also because every human being longs to hear that they're not alone.

It may be a cheesy song but I like it because it makes the message clear. Watching these people dance remind me why I do what I do, and everyday that I go in to work I want to send this message.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTyIhMLp3FA

So What

Get up!!

We have young and vibrant lives ahead of us!

We are just babies!

So what I didn't get into the program I've applied to twice in the past year?!

So what I planned on moving in a couple months and now it maybe a whole year?!

So what if I feel like every dollar I save I only have $0.50?!

I'm still here with my friends & family and the love of my life. I also DO have a job ya know (even if its not exactly the one I would have chosen) and I am getting a paycheck (even if I barely even see any of it).

I have many things to sit and reflect on and be thankful for...guess its just up to me to take that time.

-meg

Love & Freedom

Love...

will not betray you....

dismay....

or enslave you.

It will set you free.

To the greatest love I've ever known...happy first 6 months, Joel and the many, many more to come :)