It's all an Illusion

I think this strength is an illusion. This courage is a mirage. And the independence is a joke. I've had so much time to think lately and it's almost like I sit down to think and just cross my fingers and squint my eyes and say to myself "alright....something happen" "do something right now" "figure something out right now" "ok...grow"
But I know I'm just kidding myself! I can begin the thought processes of what it is that I want to do, all for me, and what it is that I want to become, all for me, and where I want to go, and who I want to be around...all for me. It's a lot scarier and less comfortable and if that was the reason for all this...then fine. It happened.
I've began these thoughts. I've began to have strength, and courage, and all this fake independence I never knew I had. But again, I'm just kidding myself! I'm not that strong. I'm not that courageous. I mean I can be if I want to be. But I would rather just be weak and lay in someone's arms and cry out saying "I can't do this alone!!"

"She said stay with me, stay with me, don't leave me alone"
A cry from a song, a plead from a boy in a story, and the line my heart bleeds day in and day out.

It's not that I'm running away from facing the hard things, and it's not that I just want things to go back to how they used to be...it's just...I don't want to keep pretending that I'll be ok without him and that I'll be just fine looking out for myself. Case closed.

Professionalism, I Lack

What is professionalism? Is it hiding your emotions so the rest of the world can't see them? Is it keeping everything behind closed doors? Is it keeping from crying so loud that screams are forced out of your throat and you have to cover your mouth so that no one can hear you? Is it keeping your cool even though everything you seemed to have in your hands is quickly slipping through your fingers? Is it not putting your head down because the very place you are is the last place in the world that you want to be? Is it keeping yourself from sobbing like a child wherever you may be when someone asks how you are doing? Is it showing a fake interest in the thing you used to most care about and now you wonder if you want to even do it anymore? Is it getting out of bed even when you know that you don't have the strength to? Is it putting on your make up and doing your hair to look somewhat presentable or is it going to class in the same sweats you've worn the past 4 days that smell and your eyes are puffy from crying? Is it picking yourself up off the bathroom floor where you cried yourself to sleep? Or is it refraining from calling him so he can hear you break down there on the bathroom floor crying, and gagging, and throwing up, and crying some more? Is it knowing that he won't show up even though you did call him in this emotional state and begging him to come and he still said "No." Is it getting 4 bad evaluations in a row because your professors have noticed your lack of interest and desire in learning? Is it trying to peel away the covers to go to class even though you skipped a couple already for the day and called in "sick" to work?

If all these things define professionalism...then yes, that is what I lack right now.

Something to Believe In

"I believe in my strength and my resilience and my capacity to do hard things. I believe in my vision and my dreams and my ability to do whatever I choose to do. I believe in my very bright mind, my loving heart, and my woman soul. I believe in the clarity of my perceptions...and the astuteness of my insights. I believe in my knowing and the depth of all that life has taught me. I believe in my willingness to wait and to perceive the right time for action and the right time for letting go. I believe in my openness to my own and other's pain, facing it with neither denial, nor indulgence, but with grace and fortitude, and even acceptance. I believe that I can survive just about anything that life asks of me if I remember that I am a child of God, made in her image and held in her love. I am a woman believing in myself."

-Janet Quinn

Thanks for comforting me...
holding me while I'm crying...
being with me when I'm sad...
celebrating my birthday with me...
sitting with me while I'm upset...
complimenting my outfit...
noticing my haircut...
texting me...
calling me...
asking me how I'm doing...
giving me the attention I long for...
telling me what I need to hear...
giving me words of advice for myself...
buying me flowers and my favorite candy...
taking my mind off everything...
cuddling with me...
kissing me...
telling me it'll be alright...

....but you're not him.

Inspiration

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don't want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here. Believe in kissing."

-Eve Ensler from "I am an Emotional Creature"

Flying Alone

Today I saw a bird.
It was a lone bird.
Flying off into the sunset.

Usually this time of year you see birds flying in a V formation heading south for the winter.
They travel in groups. Looking out for one another.
The V stays together for the whole journey.
Who knows how long the trip actually takes.
It's quite possible that they stop for food together. Maybe resting for awhile together.

But this bird was alone.
It seemed ok though.
It probably knows how to take care of itself.
It stops whenever it feels like it. Eats whenever it wants. And probably has the most clearing thoughts that no other bird has flying alone.

But I can't help but wonder how much it probably wished it was in a V.
Longing to be part of it.
Wanting nothing more than to share the journey with others.

It will probably make it south whether or not it was with the V.
And maybe it'll meet up with another V along the way.
But it seemed ok for the time being.
Just ok...

I wish I was part of the V. Sharing the journey together. But for now...I'll be ok.

Clinging

I am deeply convinced that gentleness, tenderness, peacefulness, and the inner freedom to move closer to one another, or to withdraw from one another, are nurtured in solitude. Without solitude we begin to cling to each other; we begin to worry about what we think and feel about each other; we quickly become suspicious of one another or irritated with each other; and we begin, often in unconscious ways, to scrutinize each other with a tiring hypersensitivity. Without solitude shallow conflicts easily grow deep and cause painful wounds. Then "talking things out" can become a burdensome obligation and daily life becomes so self-conscious that long-term living together is virtually impossible...

With solitude, however, we learn to depend on God, by whom we are called together in love, in whom we can rest, and through whom we can enjoy and trust one another even when our ability to express ourselves to each other is limited. With solitude we are protected against the harmful effects of mutual suspicions, and our words and actions can become joyful expressions of an already existing trust rather than a subtle way of asking for proof of trustworthiness. With solitude we can experience each other as different manifestations of a love that transcends all of us.

-Henri Nouwen