Holiday Cheer

Seems to me that this is what Christmas should be all about :)

Can vs. Can't

Hello. My name is Meg and I will be your nurse tonight.

I can't really take all your pain away.

I can't make you sleep peacefully through the night or relieve all your worry.

I can't give you your voice back since your new trach or neck surgery seemed to take it away.

I can't make it less annoying to write everything out or even make you feel confident in your writing.

I can't make your financial burden from this complicated surgery any less.

I can't begin to fathom your fears about your new way of life...breathing from your neck or alterations made to your face and how different society will look at you.

I can't promise to know everything, make no mistakes, or have it all together.

But what I can do...is be the nurse I know how to be and take care of you through this rough night that I get to share with you.

My name is Meg and I am your nurse tonight.

Analogies of Nursing

These past 2 months have been haaarrrdddd. Who knew? Some would think it would be all sunshine and rainbows getting a great new job right out of college. But I can't exactly agree. There have been nights I wanted to quit. Turn in my RN license I spent 4 years and 3 nonstop months studying for. There have been other nights I drive home crying...And other nights I cry right when I walk in the door. Thoughts ring over and over in my head "I can't do this. I'll never be able to do this." Most people I've talk to don't understand and I feel selfish not being grateful for a job first of all, and second of all enjoying what I'm doing because its what I've always wanted to do and I'm getting paid to do what I love.

After sorting some thoughts, I've come with an analogy to roughly explain the pressure and overwhelming feelings that have made these months as hard as I say they've been:

I love serving people. Therefore, I've always wanted to be a waitress. I took special waitressing classes, went to some seminars, and read plenty of books on it. Now that I'm finally in young adulthood (I was not settling for any old teenage waitressing job, I wanted the real stuff) I can thrive on what I've always wanted to do.

Of course in school they taught about how to take care of the people seated at the tables. I know the basics. But I guess there's more they didn't necessarily go over in class. While I know the fundamentals of how to carry my tray, take an order, and bring the food...I didn't know people would want refills so often. Refills, extra napkins, maybe they dropped their silverware. Maybe they had one drink and now want a different one. Ok. I'm busy I got this. This only takes a little extra sweat.

But add 7, 8, or 9 tables. Whoa. I've only been waitressing for a couple weeks and I don't know if I can multitask that well. Guess I don't get a choice. Ok stick with the basics. But my skills aren't super great yet. I still kinda forget the science of balancing the tray. Sometimes I drop plates and run into other waiters. Ugh this is frustrating and embarrassing. I forget the silverware half the time and keep forgetting to watch for the refills.

I know that I'm a good waitress, but all these mistakes keep proving me wrong. Oh. And I have to remember that even though I'm frustrated I need to put a smile on my face to keep the customers happy. EVEN IF they are not so nice to me back or are kinda grumpy because their food is late. That's just part of being a waitress.

So I'm working hard, hard, hard to get these skills down, multitask, remember what I gotta do and fulfill my job description when the other waitresses want to help me out. They try to remind about some things...if you carry 4 glasses use a 16" tray and if you have over 6 use a 18". Ok got it. They tell me when you write the checks use the computer instead of the credit card machine because it doesn't work anymore. Got it. Oh and if they get only appetizers make sure to include the drinks with the checks otherwise they come with the meal. But if they got appetizers with a meal than just don't worry about the charges for a drink because it doesn't matter. ooook. got it?

Why didn't they teach me all this in the classes I took or the books I read? I'm guessing because every restaurant is different? Or maybe this is all the icing on the career and none of the fundamentals.

On top of all the stress I already described....there's the managers. Man oh man the managers. They get paid more than the waitresses but they are good at running the whole restaurant. They make sure I'm taking care of each table the BEST that the restaurant promises. But sometimes they're a little difficult to work with. Sometimes they'll give one table an extra side item. Or want to make sure table gets all salad with the meal to help their digestion. Maybe they want another table to hold off getting their food until they get to see them...and then I just have a really pissed off table. Oh. and the managers are kinda cocky because they run the restaurant and don't really treat the waitresses and waiters like I had imagined. I thought we'd work together but if they want to control the restaurant I'll just make sure to stay out of their way.

All the pressures that come along with a new job include getting to know the people you work with. And I guess I'm one of the youngest waitresses out there. All the waitresses have been working 10-20-25 years. So they look like pros! They never drop their trays! They always know when to get a refill! They even know how to talk to the scary managers who seem to proud to talk back! Man I feel stupid around all of them. How do I even fit in with them? How do I find things in common to talk about? Hell, how do I work side by side with them?

Here's a little extra thing at the restaurant I work at. They have these "Drink Passers" so I don't have to worry about bringing a table all their drinks. They are licensed but just didn't take all the classes I took to become a waitress so they are sorta "under" me if you will. They enjoy their job but all they can do is pass out drinks. They too have been doing this 20-25-even 30 years. And they have their skills down to a tee. But they work with me as a waitress. I wasn't prepared to be telling them what to do. I can barely figure out what I'm supposed to be doing! They're sorta helpful, but again...they only do drinks. I gotta figure out the rest of the stuff. Oh. And no one told me they'd sometimes get grumpy because I'm way younger than them and make more tips than they do.

Hello real world. I can't believe this is what you are. Please be kind. I have many years left with you.

-Meg

In the Hum-drum

A quote from Fredrick Beuchner:

"It seemed to me then, and it seems to me still, that if God speaks to us at all in this world, if God speaks anywhere, it is into our personal lives that he speaks. Someone we love dies, say, some unforeseen act of kindness or cruelty touches the heart or makes the blood run cold. We fail a friend or a friend fails us. And we are appalled at the capacity all of us have estranging the very people in our lives we need the most...

Or maybe nothing extraordinary happens at all. Just one day following another, helter-skelter, in the manner of days. We sleep and dream. We wake, we work. We remember and forget. We have fun and are depressed. And in to the thick of it, or out of the thick of it, at moments at even the most hum-drum of our days…God speaks."

I've spent a lot of time pondering why it is that we have to go through the things that we do. Why certain things take a toll on our lives the way they do. The good times and bad. The people that touch us and the people the hurt us. The circumstances we find ourselves in and how or why we even got there.

This time a year ago I was so so so angry at my life's situation. We've all been there at some point right? I didn't do anything wrong and yet it seemed as if I was intentionally left to bleed on the side of the road. And now a year later, I look back at the time and wish I only could've seen me now.

My, oh my, the journey it took. The questions that swarmed my brain and never rested; The confusion and daze I spent months in; The friendships that helped literally carry me though. I spent many dark lonely nights wondering what good could ever come. Today I smile, knowing now, I grew from the darkness and couldn't be shining any brighter today.

It seems too cliche to thank God for those dark moments. To "praise him in the storm" or "dance in the rain." Only a faithful saint could thank God for the mud that gets thrown at them.

My world shouldn't have stormed at all. My heart shouldn't have been broken in a trillion pieces and left a single piece of tape to fix it.

But here's to letting go of the anger and knowing that in those moments God was speaking, and in the moments today I spend reflecting, his voice is even louder.

-meg

You Won't Dance Alone

This video is inspiring to me.

Maybe just because I'm a nurse, but also because every human being longs to hear that they're not alone.

It may be a cheesy song but I like it because it makes the message clear. Watching these people dance remind me why I do what I do, and everyday that I go in to work I want to send this message.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTyIhMLp3FA

So What

Get up!!

We have young and vibrant lives ahead of us!

We are just babies!

So what I didn't get into the program I've applied to twice in the past year?!

So what I planned on moving in a couple months and now it maybe a whole year?!

So what if I feel like every dollar I save I only have $0.50?!

I'm still here with my friends & family and the love of my life. I also DO have a job ya know (even if its not exactly the one I would have chosen) and I am getting a paycheck (even if I barely even see any of it).

I have many things to sit and reflect on and be thankful for...guess its just up to me to take that time.

-meg

Love & Freedom

Love...

will not betray you....

dismay....

or enslave you.

It will set you free.

To the greatest love I've ever known...happy first 6 months, Joel and the many, many more to come :)