I'm Tired

I'm tired of these thoughts. Memories. They seem to haunt me. Every time I'm alone they seem to creep up on me. I thought that cutting off this part of my life would help, but it hasn't. This post may be a bit ambiguous but just go with me. Or as warning maybe you should stop. Either way...I'm tired.

I'm tried of remembering the times I felt manipulated. The times I was so blindly controlled and followed in trusting faithfulness. I'm tired of the memories I have of him. Every comment. Every action. Every moment I spent with him out of fear of not.

I'm tired of remembering every flaw he pointed out in me. The vein in the back of my leg, the extra flab on the back of my arms, my inherited lovehandles, the extra weight I might have put on, all of which I obviously knew. All these things have been said to me. How about the times I remember of always having to pay attention to him and if anyone else grabbed it then he made sure I didn't forget about him. This includes the times he made me rub his back, or his sore elbow, or his head. The times he would call me away from something else I enjoyed doing to remember that my devotion was required.

I'm tired of remembering the times that I should have had control. The times I laid in his bed and wanted to get up because I felt the most uncomfortable I've ever felt but I was forced to stay. Or the times I hated being tickled in places that didn't seem ticklish to me. Or the time I went to college and was called out for not "keeping in touch." Who knew one human being could place such shame over another that easy.

But this was ok right? I was led to believe a lie of trust and authority. Why didn't anyone ever teach me that it wasn't? Why did people watch this happen and not warn me? At least tell me that I was this blind? Why couldn't I get out of this sooner??

I hate the times I would open up to someone in confidence and it would get back to him. I hate that he determined how I lived my life, the values I had, the friends I kept or dismissed, the music I listened to, the way my family functioned, the boys I dated, and the approval I sought from him.

I'm tired of taking compliments and laughing them off as he didn't really mean to say that. Or show my uncomfortable laugh as cry for help screaming from the inside out.

I'm tired of agreeing. I'm tired of conforming. I'm tired of remembering.

Man. I'm so tired.

meg