I want to be your Partner

part.ner.ship (n.)
a cooperative relationship between people or groups who agree to share responsibility for achieving some specific goal.

A definition I should have taped to my forehead for the whole month of April. This word didn't even come to me until it was all said and done.

But I want to be a partner.

There may be a better word...A more classy or sophisticated one, but this just seems to fit.

The whole month of April was a whirlwind. One hot mess. Maybe one of the hardest months to get through. But somehow its May now and it all just seems like a blur.

I struggled more than I ever have.
Struggled for attention...Yet I wanted to be supportive.
Begged for a time out so we could have just a breather...but there just was no room for it.

I didn't want to be forgotten in the all the mass of responsibilities, but I also wanted to do whatever I could to be the one that could be counted on.
I wanted to be a strong framework that could take it all and hold up ok, but sometimes I just cracked. And it wasn't fair. But I did. I found myself unable to adjust to the lacking time commitment, attention span, and in the peripheral vision for the moment being.

Let's just say I got a small glimpse into the life any person who supports the one they love in their trail to success. Many came to mind such as my mother and even the boss I worked for in high school. A support system that I began to understand incredibly more so than ever. Strength on the outside. Desperation on the inside.

Opportunities are what we all keep our eye out for and when one lands in our lap, it's stupid not to take it. But saying the word "yes" sometimes brings much more than we could ever imagine. The stress, the lost sleep, the nights we stay up worried sick, the blinded sight of knowing what's to come. Many times I wanted to quit. Throw in the towel. Not be responsible.

I'm not sure how much more detail to go into. I just wanted to share the thought that I've fought a month long battle of selfishness and selflessness. Crying to not be forgotten...and being a #1 fan.

I actually remember driving one day in one of the deepest moments of this struggle and I found my stress level to be almost twice as high. And when I wondered why, it seemed to be because I took on another's stress along with MY normal amount. So my thought was...I don't want this. I have enough on my own so why double it? It'd be way easier to just deal with my own and delete the extra. Why would anyone sign up for this? Commit to it? Trudge through it until the end of time?

And I realized that this was probably the main point of it all. To be a partner.

Maybe we need each other, and just maybe this is what its like to take a vow.

Even though it seemed like hell through it all, I thank God for The Flop. It probably will make me a better adult than I ever thought it would.

-meg