em-pow-er
to equip or supply with an ability; enable
To be empowered is maybe one of the best feelings to experience. The light feeling in your chest, deep breathing through your nose to take it all in, the sudden strength your abs can hold, the sparkle that reflects from bright wide eyes, and the feeling your blood is pumping so fast and hard as though you could take off running.
This past week I was empowered. I felt these feelings and felt unstoppable.
I was at the hospital this past week in clinicals, defined as a 'student' experiencing the fears of being in the way, questioning whether I'm doing anything right, and if my work is in anyway beneficial. It was then, someone came around the corner and said "Hey, you wanna start an IV?"
"Me?" Um..."I've done it on a dummy before, so I think I could"
But with a little reassurance and patience...I got it!!! Such a small moment but I felt amazing. As if the training wheels just came off, or my curfew got moved back a little.
It was later my professor looked at me and said..."You're ready to do this." And those feelings of tears were at the threshold of my eyelids and every nerve in my body agreed with her.
She was the same professor that was with me as a sophomore, when I had just put on my blue scrubs for maybe the first or second time, nervous to go talk to patients because I felt so small and couldn't figure out how to get the plastic covering over the thermometer. We laughed about that and she just stared at me and said "yeah, you're ready."
I'm not sure how many professors look at their students and say that. But mine did and she has no idea the feelings I left the hospital with that day.
And the funny thing about being empowered is that you just want to give the feeling away to others.
meg
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Big Hill, Little Girl
I love walking back to my house. It's just off campus behind a really big hill. And walking towards the hill you can see my house. And while I'm walking home I see my house in plain sight and I begin to think through the things that have been on my mind all day such as the homework that needs to get done, the food I need to fix for myself, the relaxation I hope to experience before I end the day, the chores that need to be done, and the organization I do before starting tomorrow.
My mind makes lists and my drive to living is checking them off. But about this time in the walk when I've made all the lists and assigned a clock to monitor the time to complete the lists, the sidewalk I'm walking on goes to the side of that big hill. And suddenly I can't see my house anymore. And I can't help but notice how small I feel walking beside the big hill. I can't see anything on the other side of it. It's just me and the hill. And when its dark, its just me. I smile at the fact that this hill has made me feel so small. Like a little girl. And then I forget about the lists. And if I were as small as I feel then I wouldn't worry about the homework, I would just play. And little girls don't think about bills or a time schedule.
I'm thankful for the hill by my house. It reminds me I'm not as old as I try to think sometimes.
meg
My mind makes lists and my drive to living is checking them off. But about this time in the walk when I've made all the lists and assigned a clock to monitor the time to complete the lists, the sidewalk I'm walking on goes to the side of that big hill. And suddenly I can't see my house anymore. And I can't help but notice how small I feel walking beside the big hill. I can't see anything on the other side of it. It's just me and the hill. And when its dark, its just me. I smile at the fact that this hill has made me feel so small. Like a little girl. And then I forget about the lists. And if I were as small as I feel then I wouldn't worry about the homework, I would just play. And little girls don't think about bills or a time schedule.
I'm thankful for the hill by my house. It reminds me I'm not as old as I try to think sometimes.
meg
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Surround Me
2nd week of school. I'm already overwhelmed, which is incredibly ridiculous because I sat out this year with a mindset to enjoy the ride and take it one day at a time. And on the 6th day of class...Yeah 6th...I cried...In class even. So dumb.
I'm the queen at getting myself worked up over nothing. And I know that I'll be able to get everything done like I always do, but man. Within the very first week of school I was assigned 2 group projects, a 15 page paper due by October, and 12 page journal, and the first test is coming up in a couple days with....12 chapters on it! All for one class by the way. It was all I could do to sit in class and try to pay attention. Oh. And I'm in the exact same classroom...same teacher...some students...same desk all day. That's enough to drive a person crazy. It eat breakfast, lunch, and some snacks all in the same desk. My mind races with ''I need to get started on all this! I need to see what my friends are up to! I need to rest! I need to be involved on campus! I need to sleep! I need to invest in relationships! I need to eat! I need to enjoy the weather!'' All so overwhelming. (and I'll admit I do it all to myself)
Every year the school of Nursing has beginning of the year breakfast convocation and this year the Dean spoke about taking care of yourself through all this mess we call education. I've tried so hard to be conscious of this, especially last year, but then she went into explaining that its not just eating right and sleeping occasionally to take care of yourself...
...It's letting people help take care of you.
It seemed to resonate with the whole room full of people who's life career goal is dedicated to helping and caring for others. My spirit was silent and alert to what she was saying.
There's people surrounded around me that are willing to care for me and its just me who needs to recognize that they are full of the capability to care for me when I need it most. Whether that be a hug, going to get coffee, making dinner, or just listening to how its going.
So I have a plan to ask those certain people I have closest to me to help take care of me this year. Help calm my mind. Remind me life is full. Give me a breath of reassurance. And refill my desires when they seem to be drained.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of those people. Most likely I'll need your help and I've never really known how to ask for that before now.
meg
I'm the queen at getting myself worked up over nothing. And I know that I'll be able to get everything done like I always do, but man. Within the very first week of school I was assigned 2 group projects, a 15 page paper due by October, and 12 page journal, and the first test is coming up in a couple days with....12 chapters on it! All for one class by the way. It was all I could do to sit in class and try to pay attention. Oh. And I'm in the exact same classroom...same teacher...some students...same desk all day. That's enough to drive a person crazy. It eat breakfast, lunch, and some snacks all in the same desk. My mind races with ''I need to get started on all this! I need to see what my friends are up to! I need to rest! I need to be involved on campus! I need to sleep! I need to invest in relationships! I need to eat! I need to enjoy the weather!'' All so overwhelming. (and I'll admit I do it all to myself)
Every year the school of Nursing has beginning of the year breakfast convocation and this year the Dean spoke about taking care of yourself through all this mess we call education. I've tried so hard to be conscious of this, especially last year, but then she went into explaining that its not just eating right and sleeping occasionally to take care of yourself...
...It's letting people help take care of you.
It seemed to resonate with the whole room full of people who's life career goal is dedicated to helping and caring for others. My spirit was silent and alert to what she was saying.
There's people surrounded around me that are willing to care for me and its just me who needs to recognize that they are full of the capability to care for me when I need it most. Whether that be a hug, going to get coffee, making dinner, or just listening to how its going.
So I have a plan to ask those certain people I have closest to me to help take care of me this year. Help calm my mind. Remind me life is full. Give me a breath of reassurance. And refill my desires when they seem to be drained.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of those people. Most likely I'll need your help and I've never really known how to ask for that before now.
meg
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Talking to Pictures
I begin a new school year. And once again, the beginning of something new is fresh and exciting and I feel ready for battle. I love getting a new schedule. I kind of enjoy getting up to start the day, eating breakfast, and packing a backpack.
I only wish my mom was around to take my picture by the front door before I left for the first day, like she has for my whole life until I left for college. I like looking back through those pictures to see that big bright smile and bag on my shoulders, having no idea what I was going to encounter that year. If I could only tell that picture of outdated clothes and funny bangs what she'd be challeneged with and and what to be be aware of to learn so she doesn't miss the moment. Along with enjoying the ride and things to avoid. Things to no get so upset over and other things to take hold of by the reins. And to truly take advantage of the paths that cross because she'll eventually keep moving and so do they.
Oh! If I could tell those pictures of me before EVERY school year! There might be less heartache, more joy and adventures, and way less emphasis on the things that girl has been told to care about by the world and more value placed on the things her heart desires.
And if only....ONLY! I had a picture of me on my first day of school this year...my senior year of college and I could tell her the things she's about to encounter, and learn, and feel, and be challenged...and the list goes on.
It's funny to me that every year of college I begin the year excited and ready to learn. Committed to reading the material set before me in order to engulf it all. Ready to study to excel. And happy to be in the community that I am. And when the middle of the semester comes and the end does not seem near enough, I feel like I'm drowning, ready to break, and desperate for an escape.
I wish I could tell that 21 year old, blonde hair, wide eyed girl in the picture not taken this year standing by the front door of her very own place that the drowning feeling will come, and somehow she will make it just like she always has. So if she knew that ahead of time maybe she'd enjoy one of the greatest times in her life and know that the homework will somehow always get done, the friends will never leave, and life will unfold just as it always has and still does. Then maybe her excitement and joy will remain.
meg
I only wish my mom was around to take my picture by the front door before I left for the first day, like she has for my whole life until I left for college. I like looking back through those pictures to see that big bright smile and bag on my shoulders, having no idea what I was going to encounter that year. If I could only tell that picture of outdated clothes and funny bangs what she'd be challeneged with and and what to be be aware of to learn so she doesn't miss the moment. Along with enjoying the ride and things to avoid. Things to no get so upset over and other things to take hold of by the reins. And to truly take advantage of the paths that cross because she'll eventually keep moving and so do they.
Oh! If I could tell those pictures of me before EVERY school year! There might be less heartache, more joy and adventures, and way less emphasis on the things that girl has been told to care about by the world and more value placed on the things her heart desires.
And if only....ONLY! I had a picture of me on my first day of school this year...my senior year of college and I could tell her the things she's about to encounter, and learn, and feel, and be challenged...and the list goes on.
It's funny to me that every year of college I begin the year excited and ready to learn. Committed to reading the material set before me in order to engulf it all. Ready to study to excel. And happy to be in the community that I am. And when the middle of the semester comes and the end does not seem near enough, I feel like I'm drowning, ready to break, and desperate for an escape.
I wish I could tell that 21 year old, blonde hair, wide eyed girl in the picture not taken this year standing by the front door of her very own place that the drowning feeling will come, and somehow she will make it just like she always has. So if she knew that ahead of time maybe she'd enjoy one of the greatest times in her life and know that the homework will somehow always get done, the friends will never leave, and life will unfold just as it always has and still does. Then maybe her excitement and joy will remain.
meg
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sobbing and Driving
Today at work on the oncology unit...
a little old lady broke my heart.
She had been in an immense amount of pain all day long.
The kind where she just ached with the slightest movements.
But it was time for her to go downstairs for an xray and we had to move her from her bed onto a cot.
She had some visitors, maybe 5 or 6 of her friends. They were all talking up a storm and chatting away to each other since that's what visitors do.
The room suddenly became busy with the task we were trying to accomplish and maybe 3 other staff memebers were in the room, busy figuring out where to put the cart, move the IV, and the like.
The room was loud and full of people.
It was busy with everyday toils and troubles.
But in the middle of this commotion she gently reached up and touched my arm and softly said "would you just tell Jesus to come and take me already?"
Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart sank.
No one else in that caotic room heard her but me.
...Days like this make me sob on the drive home.
a little old lady broke my heart.
She had been in an immense amount of pain all day long.
The kind where she just ached with the slightest movements.
But it was time for her to go downstairs for an xray and we had to move her from her bed onto a cot.
She had some visitors, maybe 5 or 6 of her friends. They were all talking up a storm and chatting away to each other since that's what visitors do.
The room suddenly became busy with the task we were trying to accomplish and maybe 3 other staff memebers were in the room, busy figuring out where to put the cart, move the IV, and the like.
The room was loud and full of people.
It was busy with everyday toils and troubles.
But in the middle of this commotion she gently reached up and touched my arm and softly said "would you just tell Jesus to come and take me already?"
Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart sank.
No one else in that caotic room heard her but me.
...Days like this make me sob on the drive home.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Truly an Honor
My very best friend got married this weekend and it was a pretty big deal for me. We've been through a lot together and what a huge milestone to be there for. I was her maid of honor, which is so special because I'm pretty sure we made a promise to each other in jr. high that we'd be each other maids of honor. And when I started thinking about...it truly is an honor (maybe that's why they call it that.) So I decided to share the speech I gave at the reception just because 1) I thought it was a pretty good speech if I do say so myself and 2) to show just how good of friends we've been.
"Lindsey and I met in Kindergarden, but our relationship started to actually developed in 2nd grade. We had our desks right beside one another and we called each other our "study buddies." Lindsey got sick for awhile and had to be in the hospital for quite sometime and it wasn't until then that I really started to miss her for some reason. I cried one day in the middle of class because I missed her so much so I was sent to the counselor's office to "talk about it." The counselor came up with an idea to help me not miss her as much and so she traced me on some posterboard and I cut it out and decorated it as if it were Lindsey. I called that my "Fake Lindsey" and sat it in the desk right next to me until she came back to school. In 4th grade, Lindsey and I figured out a way to help each other cheat on our pop quizzes. And in Jr. High she was the friend I could rely on to always tell boys when I liked them and if they liked me back. In High School, I don't know if there was ever a single class we were actually allowed to sit by each other in because we always got in trouble for talking too much. We've never missed one another's birthday. One year, Lindsey actually waited to have her own birthday party just so I could come to it. I've spent more nights at her house than I have my own, and I'm pretty sure my parents owe her parents money for the groceries I've ate. When it came time to go to college, we sadly had to go to different schools. But, there were definitely phone calls to help ease the difficult transition. We've even made the long drive a couple time just to cry to each other when things are hard and we still make lunch dates just to catch up.
I share all these small details about Lindsey and I's relationship for a couple of reasons. Mainly, it's because I just don't want to share her.
But she's an amazing person who could help you out with whatever you need. You can trust her with anything, whether it be a secret or a big decision and....she'll never leave your side."
As you can see, Lindsey means a whole lot to me and I love that God gives us friends like this that just aren't there for the big day, but everything that leads up to it and all the rest that follows.
meg
"Lindsey and I met in Kindergarden, but our relationship started to actually developed in 2nd grade. We had our desks right beside one another and we called each other our "study buddies." Lindsey got sick for awhile and had to be in the hospital for quite sometime and it wasn't until then that I really started to miss her for some reason. I cried one day in the middle of class because I missed her so much so I was sent to the counselor's office to "talk about it." The counselor came up with an idea to help me not miss her as much and so she traced me on some posterboard and I cut it out and decorated it as if it were Lindsey. I called that my "Fake Lindsey" and sat it in the desk right next to me until she came back to school. In 4th grade, Lindsey and I figured out a way to help each other cheat on our pop quizzes. And in Jr. High she was the friend I could rely on to always tell boys when I liked them and if they liked me back. In High School, I don't know if there was ever a single class we were actually allowed to sit by each other in because we always got in trouble for talking too much. We've never missed one another's birthday. One year, Lindsey actually waited to have her own birthday party just so I could come to it. I've spent more nights at her house than I have my own, and I'm pretty sure my parents owe her parents money for the groceries I've ate. When it came time to go to college, we sadly had to go to different schools. But, there were definitely phone calls to help ease the difficult transition. We've even made the long drive a couple time just to cry to each other when things are hard and we still make lunch dates just to catch up.
I share all these small details about Lindsey and I's relationship for a couple of reasons. Mainly, it's because I just don't want to share her.
But she's an amazing person who could help you out with whatever you need. You can trust her with anything, whether it be a secret or a big decision and....she'll never leave your side."
As you can see, Lindsey means a whole lot to me and I love that God gives us friends like this that just aren't there for the big day, but everything that leads up to it and all the rest that follows.
meg
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wrestling for Peace
Today I feel peace.
...and i'm not really sure why. But it feels fantastic.
Actually it's because someone told me the truth yesterday. That:
"The wrestling is all a part of it"
This kind of truth no one has ever really spoken to me before. Not my parents. Not any past experiences. Not even Disney or those silly romantic comedies.
Why has no one spread this truth around?? Better yet, what's the lie I've believed for 21 years! That the wrestling is uncalled for or some kind of sign that something is very wrong here.
The wrestling seems to be what makes it all worth it. And I feel at peace with that.
Here's a quote that I came across as well:
"Part of the beauty of life is the reirth of peace following turmoil and pain" -Lee Ann Hoff
So I guess if I just expect times to wrestle the rest of my life...then they'll be times of peace to follow.
meg
...and i'm not really sure why. But it feels fantastic.
Actually it's because someone told me the truth yesterday. That:
"The wrestling is all a part of it"
This kind of truth no one has ever really spoken to me before. Not my parents. Not any past experiences. Not even Disney or those silly romantic comedies.
Why has no one spread this truth around?? Better yet, what's the lie I've believed for 21 years! That the wrestling is uncalled for or some kind of sign that something is very wrong here.
The wrestling seems to be what makes it all worth it. And I feel at peace with that.
Here's a quote that I came across as well:
"Part of the beauty of life is the reirth of peace following turmoil and pain" -Lee Ann Hoff
So I guess if I just expect times to wrestle the rest of my life...then they'll be times of peace to follow.
meg
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