I don't want to go through this.
No one asked me for my permission.
No one asked if I thought this would be "ok" or "the best thing right now"
I was doing what I do best...
Caring for people.
Caring for someone else.
When his heat wouldn't work...I went out and bought him space heaters just so he'd be warm.
When he wouldn't wake up on time...I'd call him.
When he was trying to figure out how to run a business....I took some weight off by counting all the money.
When he decided to take a weekend trip....I took him to the airport and picked him up.
When he was getting sick...I made him drink gallons of orange juice.
I don't know who to take care of right now since it just all doesn't seem good enough. Its like I showed up to work excited to start the day and the boss said "Forget it, just go home."
"But wait, I only planned to work today. I have nothing else to do. What am I supposed to do?"
"Don't worry about it. Just go."
But wait...I.....care.
I'll say it again....I....don't....want...to....do...this.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Greener Grass
Everyone dreams of the "greener grass."
Admit it. We all do.
Whatever situation you might be in...you're thinking of a better one.
If you're in school...you wish you were out. If you work all the time...you wish you didn't. If you're hanging out with friends...you wish you could just have some time alone to think. And if you're alone...you wish somebody was near. If you're carrying a couple extra pounds...you wish you could get rid of them. And if you're living your life exactly the way you want...you still at least dream about moving to a different city.
Why does this desire lie at the core of every human being? Is it a manifestation of our childhood imagination that has just simply matured? Maybe it is a drive to keep us going...living life...striving to become something better than what we are. I don't really know what the explanation is.
Whether this aspect of our humanity is beneficial or detrimental is the question. Maybe this just leads to constant state of dissatisfaction. Or maybe it keeps us aware of what we could be achieving. Maybe being drawn to the "greener grass" makes us open to change. Or does it set us up for disappointment?
And the hardest question of all is knowing what to do with the images of just how green that grass could be. Do we chase after it? Or do we know better? Or do we lock them up in the back of our minds? Or try to find out if the grass actually feels smoother, smells fresher, and really is just more green.
I don't ever want to grow content with the things in my life. But I'm wondering if there's a line to draw in wishing for the things that we actually know couldn't get any better...but still wishing they were.
Admit it. We all do.
Whatever situation you might be in...you're thinking of a better one.
If you're in school...you wish you were out. If you work all the time...you wish you didn't. If you're hanging out with friends...you wish you could just have some time alone to think. And if you're alone...you wish somebody was near. If you're carrying a couple extra pounds...you wish you could get rid of them. And if you're living your life exactly the way you want...you still at least dream about moving to a different city.
Why does this desire lie at the core of every human being? Is it a manifestation of our childhood imagination that has just simply matured? Maybe it is a drive to keep us going...living life...striving to become something better than what we are. I don't really know what the explanation is.
Whether this aspect of our humanity is beneficial or detrimental is the question. Maybe this just leads to constant state of dissatisfaction. Or maybe it keeps us aware of what we could be achieving. Maybe being drawn to the "greener grass" makes us open to change. Or does it set us up for disappointment?
And the hardest question of all is knowing what to do with the images of just how green that grass could be. Do we chase after it? Or do we know better? Or do we lock them up in the back of our minds? Or try to find out if the grass actually feels smoother, smells fresher, and really is just more green.
I don't ever want to grow content with the things in my life. But I'm wondering if there's a line to draw in wishing for the things that we actually know couldn't get any better...but still wishing they were.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Dreaming
I can't stop dreaming lately. I dream in bed at night. I dream during class. I dream while driving. I dream when I'm with friends. I dream when I'm doing homework. There's so many dreams in my head...I just feel anxious to make them all become reality.
My dreams somewhat contradict each other...but I'm ok with that.
One dream is me as a big city girl walking along a downtown sidewalk with trendy boots clicking to the sound of independence. I just left my flat where my small dog keeps me company. I'm walking to a coffee shop to read for a bit, maybe write...then I'm off to explore a market for fresh fruits and vegetables.
Another is traveling to unknown places, partaking in customs and traditions I've never known before. I'm nervous at first but then the locals take me in as their own. We share life experiences and connect deeper than any differences or prejudices may take us. I may pick up an accent or local words outsiders don't recognize...keeping this experience with me for life.
More include my bare feet running in an open field of wheat during the sunset simply enjoying nature. I'm watching the sunset and feeling the cool earth beneath my feet. I know my body and my body thanks me for taking care of it. Everything is in balance...my emotions, spirituality, energy and the like.
Another is me coming home to a big house full of a community of people. I'm happy to come home and we all chat about ourselves and connect in all sorts of levels. Nothing gets in the way like t.v. or the internet. Just laughing and talking and tasting food we made together. Maybe gathering around a bonfire when the night gets cool.
I hope I never stop dreaming.
meg
My dreams somewhat contradict each other...but I'm ok with that.
One dream is me as a big city girl walking along a downtown sidewalk with trendy boots clicking to the sound of independence. I just left my flat where my small dog keeps me company. I'm walking to a coffee shop to read for a bit, maybe write...then I'm off to explore a market for fresh fruits and vegetables.
Another is traveling to unknown places, partaking in customs and traditions I've never known before. I'm nervous at first but then the locals take me in as their own. We share life experiences and connect deeper than any differences or prejudices may take us. I may pick up an accent or local words outsiders don't recognize...keeping this experience with me for life.
More include my bare feet running in an open field of wheat during the sunset simply enjoying nature. I'm watching the sunset and feeling the cool earth beneath my feet. I know my body and my body thanks me for taking care of it. Everything is in balance...my emotions, spirituality, energy and the like.
Another is me coming home to a big house full of a community of people. I'm happy to come home and we all chat about ourselves and connect in all sorts of levels. Nothing gets in the way like t.v. or the internet. Just laughing and talking and tasting food we made together. Maybe gathering around a bonfire when the night gets cool.
I hope I never stop dreaming.
meg
Monday, September 28, 2009
Four long years
em-pow-er
to equip or supply with an ability; enable
To be empowered is maybe one of the best feelings to experience. The light feeling in your chest, deep breathing through your nose to take it all in, the sudden strength your abs can hold, the sparkle that reflects from bright wide eyes, and the feeling your blood is pumping so fast and hard as though you could take off running.
This past week I was empowered. I felt these feelings and felt unstoppable.
I was at the hospital this past week in clinicals, defined as a 'student' experiencing the fears of being in the way, questioning whether I'm doing anything right, and if my work is in anyway beneficial. It was then, someone came around the corner and said "Hey, you wanna start an IV?"
"Me?" Um..."I've done it on a dummy before, so I think I could"
But with a little reassurance and patience...I got it!!! Such a small moment but I felt amazing. As if the training wheels just came off, or my curfew got moved back a little.
It was later my professor looked at me and said..."You're ready to do this." And those feelings of tears were at the threshold of my eyelids and every nerve in my body agreed with her.
She was the same professor that was with me as a sophomore, when I had just put on my blue scrubs for maybe the first or second time, nervous to go talk to patients because I felt so small and couldn't figure out how to get the plastic covering over the thermometer. We laughed about that and she just stared at me and said "yeah, you're ready."
I'm not sure how many professors look at their students and say that. But mine did and she has no idea the feelings I left the hospital with that day.
And the funny thing about being empowered is that you just want to give the feeling away to others.
meg
to equip or supply with an ability; enable
To be empowered is maybe one of the best feelings to experience. The light feeling in your chest, deep breathing through your nose to take it all in, the sudden strength your abs can hold, the sparkle that reflects from bright wide eyes, and the feeling your blood is pumping so fast and hard as though you could take off running.
This past week I was empowered. I felt these feelings and felt unstoppable.
I was at the hospital this past week in clinicals, defined as a 'student' experiencing the fears of being in the way, questioning whether I'm doing anything right, and if my work is in anyway beneficial. It was then, someone came around the corner and said "Hey, you wanna start an IV?"
"Me?" Um..."I've done it on a dummy before, so I think I could"
But with a little reassurance and patience...I got it!!! Such a small moment but I felt amazing. As if the training wheels just came off, or my curfew got moved back a little.
It was later my professor looked at me and said..."You're ready to do this." And those feelings of tears were at the threshold of my eyelids and every nerve in my body agreed with her.
She was the same professor that was with me as a sophomore, when I had just put on my blue scrubs for maybe the first or second time, nervous to go talk to patients because I felt so small and couldn't figure out how to get the plastic covering over the thermometer. We laughed about that and she just stared at me and said "yeah, you're ready."
I'm not sure how many professors look at their students and say that. But mine did and she has no idea the feelings I left the hospital with that day.
And the funny thing about being empowered is that you just want to give the feeling away to others.
meg
Monday, September 21, 2009
Big Hill, Little Girl
I love walking back to my house. It's just off campus behind a really big hill. And walking towards the hill you can see my house. And while I'm walking home I see my house in plain sight and I begin to think through the things that have been on my mind all day such as the homework that needs to get done, the food I need to fix for myself, the relaxation I hope to experience before I end the day, the chores that need to be done, and the organization I do before starting tomorrow.
My mind makes lists and my drive to living is checking them off. But about this time in the walk when I've made all the lists and assigned a clock to monitor the time to complete the lists, the sidewalk I'm walking on goes to the side of that big hill. And suddenly I can't see my house anymore. And I can't help but notice how small I feel walking beside the big hill. I can't see anything on the other side of it. It's just me and the hill. And when its dark, its just me. I smile at the fact that this hill has made me feel so small. Like a little girl. And then I forget about the lists. And if I were as small as I feel then I wouldn't worry about the homework, I would just play. And little girls don't think about bills or a time schedule.
I'm thankful for the hill by my house. It reminds me I'm not as old as I try to think sometimes.
meg
My mind makes lists and my drive to living is checking them off. But about this time in the walk when I've made all the lists and assigned a clock to monitor the time to complete the lists, the sidewalk I'm walking on goes to the side of that big hill. And suddenly I can't see my house anymore. And I can't help but notice how small I feel walking beside the big hill. I can't see anything on the other side of it. It's just me and the hill. And when its dark, its just me. I smile at the fact that this hill has made me feel so small. Like a little girl. And then I forget about the lists. And if I were as small as I feel then I wouldn't worry about the homework, I would just play. And little girls don't think about bills or a time schedule.
I'm thankful for the hill by my house. It reminds me I'm not as old as I try to think sometimes.
meg
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Surround Me
2nd week of school. I'm already overwhelmed, which is incredibly ridiculous because I sat out this year with a mindset to enjoy the ride and take it one day at a time. And on the 6th day of class...Yeah 6th...I cried...In class even. So dumb.
I'm the queen at getting myself worked up over nothing. And I know that I'll be able to get everything done like I always do, but man. Within the very first week of school I was assigned 2 group projects, a 15 page paper due by October, and 12 page journal, and the first test is coming up in a couple days with....12 chapters on it! All for one class by the way. It was all I could do to sit in class and try to pay attention. Oh. And I'm in the exact same classroom...same teacher...some students...same desk all day. That's enough to drive a person crazy. It eat breakfast, lunch, and some snacks all in the same desk. My mind races with ''I need to get started on all this! I need to see what my friends are up to! I need to rest! I need to be involved on campus! I need to sleep! I need to invest in relationships! I need to eat! I need to enjoy the weather!'' All so overwhelming. (and I'll admit I do it all to myself)
Every year the school of Nursing has beginning of the year breakfast convocation and this year the Dean spoke about taking care of yourself through all this mess we call education. I've tried so hard to be conscious of this, especially last year, but then she went into explaining that its not just eating right and sleeping occasionally to take care of yourself...
...It's letting people help take care of you.
It seemed to resonate with the whole room full of people who's life career goal is dedicated to helping and caring for others. My spirit was silent and alert to what she was saying.
There's people surrounded around me that are willing to care for me and its just me who needs to recognize that they are full of the capability to care for me when I need it most. Whether that be a hug, going to get coffee, making dinner, or just listening to how its going.
So I have a plan to ask those certain people I have closest to me to help take care of me this year. Help calm my mind. Remind me life is full. Give me a breath of reassurance. And refill my desires when they seem to be drained.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of those people. Most likely I'll need your help and I've never really known how to ask for that before now.
meg
I'm the queen at getting myself worked up over nothing. And I know that I'll be able to get everything done like I always do, but man. Within the very first week of school I was assigned 2 group projects, a 15 page paper due by October, and 12 page journal, and the first test is coming up in a couple days with....12 chapters on it! All for one class by the way. It was all I could do to sit in class and try to pay attention. Oh. And I'm in the exact same classroom...same teacher...some students...same desk all day. That's enough to drive a person crazy. It eat breakfast, lunch, and some snacks all in the same desk. My mind races with ''I need to get started on all this! I need to see what my friends are up to! I need to rest! I need to be involved on campus! I need to sleep! I need to invest in relationships! I need to eat! I need to enjoy the weather!'' All so overwhelming. (and I'll admit I do it all to myself)
Every year the school of Nursing has beginning of the year breakfast convocation and this year the Dean spoke about taking care of yourself through all this mess we call education. I've tried so hard to be conscious of this, especially last year, but then she went into explaining that its not just eating right and sleeping occasionally to take care of yourself...
...It's letting people help take care of you.
It seemed to resonate with the whole room full of people who's life career goal is dedicated to helping and caring for others. My spirit was silent and alert to what she was saying.
There's people surrounded around me that are willing to care for me and its just me who needs to recognize that they are full of the capability to care for me when I need it most. Whether that be a hug, going to get coffee, making dinner, or just listening to how its going.
So I have a plan to ask those certain people I have closest to me to help take care of me this year. Help calm my mind. Remind me life is full. Give me a breath of reassurance. And refill my desires when they seem to be drained.
If you're reading this, you're probably one of those people. Most likely I'll need your help and I've never really known how to ask for that before now.
meg
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Talking to Pictures
I begin a new school year. And once again, the beginning of something new is fresh and exciting and I feel ready for battle. I love getting a new schedule. I kind of enjoy getting up to start the day, eating breakfast, and packing a backpack.
I only wish my mom was around to take my picture by the front door before I left for the first day, like she has for my whole life until I left for college. I like looking back through those pictures to see that big bright smile and bag on my shoulders, having no idea what I was going to encounter that year. If I could only tell that picture of outdated clothes and funny bangs what she'd be challeneged with and and what to be be aware of to learn so she doesn't miss the moment. Along with enjoying the ride and things to avoid. Things to no get so upset over and other things to take hold of by the reins. And to truly take advantage of the paths that cross because she'll eventually keep moving and so do they.
Oh! If I could tell those pictures of me before EVERY school year! There might be less heartache, more joy and adventures, and way less emphasis on the things that girl has been told to care about by the world and more value placed on the things her heart desires.
And if only....ONLY! I had a picture of me on my first day of school this year...my senior year of college and I could tell her the things she's about to encounter, and learn, and feel, and be challenged...and the list goes on.
It's funny to me that every year of college I begin the year excited and ready to learn. Committed to reading the material set before me in order to engulf it all. Ready to study to excel. And happy to be in the community that I am. And when the middle of the semester comes and the end does not seem near enough, I feel like I'm drowning, ready to break, and desperate for an escape.
I wish I could tell that 21 year old, blonde hair, wide eyed girl in the picture not taken this year standing by the front door of her very own place that the drowning feeling will come, and somehow she will make it just like she always has. So if she knew that ahead of time maybe she'd enjoy one of the greatest times in her life and know that the homework will somehow always get done, the friends will never leave, and life will unfold just as it always has and still does. Then maybe her excitement and joy will remain.
meg
I only wish my mom was around to take my picture by the front door before I left for the first day, like she has for my whole life until I left for college. I like looking back through those pictures to see that big bright smile and bag on my shoulders, having no idea what I was going to encounter that year. If I could only tell that picture of outdated clothes and funny bangs what she'd be challeneged with and and what to be be aware of to learn so she doesn't miss the moment. Along with enjoying the ride and things to avoid. Things to no get so upset over and other things to take hold of by the reins. And to truly take advantage of the paths that cross because she'll eventually keep moving and so do they.
Oh! If I could tell those pictures of me before EVERY school year! There might be less heartache, more joy and adventures, and way less emphasis on the things that girl has been told to care about by the world and more value placed on the things her heart desires.
And if only....ONLY! I had a picture of me on my first day of school this year...my senior year of college and I could tell her the things she's about to encounter, and learn, and feel, and be challenged...and the list goes on.
It's funny to me that every year of college I begin the year excited and ready to learn. Committed to reading the material set before me in order to engulf it all. Ready to study to excel. And happy to be in the community that I am. And when the middle of the semester comes and the end does not seem near enough, I feel like I'm drowning, ready to break, and desperate for an escape.
I wish I could tell that 21 year old, blonde hair, wide eyed girl in the picture not taken this year standing by the front door of her very own place that the drowning feeling will come, and somehow she will make it just like she always has. So if she knew that ahead of time maybe she'd enjoy one of the greatest times in her life and know that the homework will somehow always get done, the friends will never leave, and life will unfold just as it always has and still does. Then maybe her excitement and joy will remain.
meg
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