It's harder to get up on the right side of the bed these days,
But steps in snow make me feel less alone.
In secret I'm still hoping for some kind of x-ray vision,
And I would beam into your bedroom blinds just so I knew you were alright.
Acting mature is overrated
I miss the days of keying cars
And spreading rumors on the bathroom stalls and locker room walls
Where we forgot we looked, when we were hoping no one noticed
Praying some day we'd fit into this-- mess.
It won't be long before I forget just what it felt like
To fall asleep with you breathing next to me.
It won't be long before I forget just what it felt like
To fall asleep with you breathing next me
I shut the door when you left to keep out the cold and myself
from running after you just like I saw in the movies
It's true that I have my regrets,
We never danced on rooftops
And I have found some fake words
to say when a stranger asks about our death.
It won't be long before I forget just what it felt like,
To know that I did not know anything.
It won't be long before I forget just what it felt like
To know that I did not know anything.
Its safe to say that even though we're disregarding,
I can't help but to wonder which song you're humming.
And so I sit and pretend I don't mind that I don't know you,
or what you're schedule might look like on any given Thursday afternoon.
Somebody wrote this rulebook and so we will make the effort,
To be more scarce in the social situations that we might share.
It won't be long before I forget just what it felt like,
To feel anything for you at all.
It won't be long before I forget just what it felt like,
To fell anything for you at all.
In lines at grocery stores I'm dozing off into your arms,
And I hope some days you can't help but doze off to me too.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Shame and Sorrow
My heart cried today.
I'm in the middle of OB clinicals. And for the most part it's pretty interesting. The "miracle of birth" and all is cool to watch. And its so special to see the small, helpless, very fragile beings we all once were.
But I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in the work I'm about to go into.
I hate the politics. The gossip. And yes, even the judgement.
My profession is caring for people. About people. And I can't help but feel frozen and broken when I over hear the talk that goes on.
The gasps we take when hear she's had over 200 sexual partners.
The frustration we feel when she doesn't follow the health regimen exactly as we set it out for her.
The judgement we pass when she doesn't know who the father is.
And the scough we take when we know she has STDs.
I can't help but wonder why the nurse who's taking care of the patient I'm assigned gives me all the information I need to know about her, such as her vital signs and progression of labor...and then mentions the father is bi-racial.
Why does that even matter?
Why do we talk bad about her when she doesn't want to bond with her new child right away? Maybe she doesn't know how? Her life has just changed significantly.
Why do we pass along the stories she told us about how the father of the baby threatened to kill her and don't make her feel safe and loved? Instead we say she just made a bad choice in a man.
We make jokes about how maybe she'll end up on Montel.
And when that baby tested positive for marijuana, all we do is expect her to shape up her life and guess how long it'll be before the baby gets taken away from her.
We are supposed to be the people of Compassion. Justice. and Healing.
I tell myself maybe they're just ignorant. But loving people shouldn't be this hard.
I've never felt more shame and sorrw for my profession than today.
I'm in the middle of OB clinicals. And for the most part it's pretty interesting. The "miracle of birth" and all is cool to watch. And its so special to see the small, helpless, very fragile beings we all once were.
But I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in the work I'm about to go into.
I hate the politics. The gossip. And yes, even the judgement.
My profession is caring for people. About people. And I can't help but feel frozen and broken when I over hear the talk that goes on.
The gasps we take when hear she's had over 200 sexual partners.
The frustration we feel when she doesn't follow the health regimen exactly as we set it out for her.
The judgement we pass when she doesn't know who the father is.
And the scough we take when we know she has STDs.
I can't help but wonder why the nurse who's taking care of the patient I'm assigned gives me all the information I need to know about her, such as her vital signs and progression of labor...and then mentions the father is bi-racial.
Why does that even matter?
Why do we talk bad about her when she doesn't want to bond with her new child right away? Maybe she doesn't know how? Her life has just changed significantly.
Why do we pass along the stories she told us about how the father of the baby threatened to kill her and don't make her feel safe and loved? Instead we say she just made a bad choice in a man.
We make jokes about how maybe she'll end up on Montel.
And when that baby tested positive for marijuana, all we do is expect her to shape up her life and guess how long it'll be before the baby gets taken away from her.
We are supposed to be the people of Compassion. Justice. and Healing.
I tell myself maybe they're just ignorant. But loving people shouldn't be this hard.
I've never felt more shame and sorrw for my profession than today.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I don't want to go through this.
No one asked me for my permission.
No one asked if I thought this would be "ok" or "the best thing right now"
I was doing what I do best...
Caring for people.
Caring for someone else.
When his heat wouldn't work...I went out and bought him space heaters just so he'd be warm.
When he wouldn't wake up on time...I'd call him.
When he was trying to figure out how to run a business....I took some weight off by counting all the money.
When he decided to take a weekend trip....I took him to the airport and picked him up.
When he was getting sick...I made him drink gallons of orange juice.
I don't know who to take care of right now since it just all doesn't seem good enough. Its like I showed up to work excited to start the day and the boss said "Forget it, just go home."
"But wait, I only planned to work today. I have nothing else to do. What am I supposed to do?"
"Don't worry about it. Just go."
But wait...I.....care.
I'll say it again....I....don't....want...to....do...this.
No one asked me for my permission.
No one asked if I thought this would be "ok" or "the best thing right now"
I was doing what I do best...
Caring for people.
Caring for someone else.
When his heat wouldn't work...I went out and bought him space heaters just so he'd be warm.
When he wouldn't wake up on time...I'd call him.
When he was trying to figure out how to run a business....I took some weight off by counting all the money.
When he decided to take a weekend trip....I took him to the airport and picked him up.
When he was getting sick...I made him drink gallons of orange juice.
I don't know who to take care of right now since it just all doesn't seem good enough. Its like I showed up to work excited to start the day and the boss said "Forget it, just go home."
"But wait, I only planned to work today. I have nothing else to do. What am I supposed to do?"
"Don't worry about it. Just go."
But wait...I.....care.
I'll say it again....I....don't....want...to....do...this.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Greener Grass
Everyone dreams of the "greener grass."
Admit it. We all do.
Whatever situation you might be in...you're thinking of a better one.
If you're in school...you wish you were out. If you work all the time...you wish you didn't. If you're hanging out with friends...you wish you could just have some time alone to think. And if you're alone...you wish somebody was near. If you're carrying a couple extra pounds...you wish you could get rid of them. And if you're living your life exactly the way you want...you still at least dream about moving to a different city.
Why does this desire lie at the core of every human being? Is it a manifestation of our childhood imagination that has just simply matured? Maybe it is a drive to keep us going...living life...striving to become something better than what we are. I don't really know what the explanation is.
Whether this aspect of our humanity is beneficial or detrimental is the question. Maybe this just leads to constant state of dissatisfaction. Or maybe it keeps us aware of what we could be achieving. Maybe being drawn to the "greener grass" makes us open to change. Or does it set us up for disappointment?
And the hardest question of all is knowing what to do with the images of just how green that grass could be. Do we chase after it? Or do we know better? Or do we lock them up in the back of our minds? Or try to find out if the grass actually feels smoother, smells fresher, and really is just more green.
I don't ever want to grow content with the things in my life. But I'm wondering if there's a line to draw in wishing for the things that we actually know couldn't get any better...but still wishing they were.
Admit it. We all do.
Whatever situation you might be in...you're thinking of a better one.
If you're in school...you wish you were out. If you work all the time...you wish you didn't. If you're hanging out with friends...you wish you could just have some time alone to think. And if you're alone...you wish somebody was near. If you're carrying a couple extra pounds...you wish you could get rid of them. And if you're living your life exactly the way you want...you still at least dream about moving to a different city.
Why does this desire lie at the core of every human being? Is it a manifestation of our childhood imagination that has just simply matured? Maybe it is a drive to keep us going...living life...striving to become something better than what we are. I don't really know what the explanation is.
Whether this aspect of our humanity is beneficial or detrimental is the question. Maybe this just leads to constant state of dissatisfaction. Or maybe it keeps us aware of what we could be achieving. Maybe being drawn to the "greener grass" makes us open to change. Or does it set us up for disappointment?
And the hardest question of all is knowing what to do with the images of just how green that grass could be. Do we chase after it? Or do we know better? Or do we lock them up in the back of our minds? Or try to find out if the grass actually feels smoother, smells fresher, and really is just more green.
I don't ever want to grow content with the things in my life. But I'm wondering if there's a line to draw in wishing for the things that we actually know couldn't get any better...but still wishing they were.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Dreaming
I can't stop dreaming lately. I dream in bed at night. I dream during class. I dream while driving. I dream when I'm with friends. I dream when I'm doing homework. There's so many dreams in my head...I just feel anxious to make them all become reality.
My dreams somewhat contradict each other...but I'm ok with that.
One dream is me as a big city girl walking along a downtown sidewalk with trendy boots clicking to the sound of independence. I just left my flat where my small dog keeps me company. I'm walking to a coffee shop to read for a bit, maybe write...then I'm off to explore a market for fresh fruits and vegetables.
Another is traveling to unknown places, partaking in customs and traditions I've never known before. I'm nervous at first but then the locals take me in as their own. We share life experiences and connect deeper than any differences or prejudices may take us. I may pick up an accent or local words outsiders don't recognize...keeping this experience with me for life.
More include my bare feet running in an open field of wheat during the sunset simply enjoying nature. I'm watching the sunset and feeling the cool earth beneath my feet. I know my body and my body thanks me for taking care of it. Everything is in balance...my emotions, spirituality, energy and the like.
Another is me coming home to a big house full of a community of people. I'm happy to come home and we all chat about ourselves and connect in all sorts of levels. Nothing gets in the way like t.v. or the internet. Just laughing and talking and tasting food we made together. Maybe gathering around a bonfire when the night gets cool.
I hope I never stop dreaming.
meg
My dreams somewhat contradict each other...but I'm ok with that.
One dream is me as a big city girl walking along a downtown sidewalk with trendy boots clicking to the sound of independence. I just left my flat where my small dog keeps me company. I'm walking to a coffee shop to read for a bit, maybe write...then I'm off to explore a market for fresh fruits and vegetables.
Another is traveling to unknown places, partaking in customs and traditions I've never known before. I'm nervous at first but then the locals take me in as their own. We share life experiences and connect deeper than any differences or prejudices may take us. I may pick up an accent or local words outsiders don't recognize...keeping this experience with me for life.
More include my bare feet running in an open field of wheat during the sunset simply enjoying nature. I'm watching the sunset and feeling the cool earth beneath my feet. I know my body and my body thanks me for taking care of it. Everything is in balance...my emotions, spirituality, energy and the like.
Another is me coming home to a big house full of a community of people. I'm happy to come home and we all chat about ourselves and connect in all sorts of levels. Nothing gets in the way like t.v. or the internet. Just laughing and talking and tasting food we made together. Maybe gathering around a bonfire when the night gets cool.
I hope I never stop dreaming.
meg
Monday, September 28, 2009
Four long years
em-pow-er
to equip or supply with an ability; enable
To be empowered is maybe one of the best feelings to experience. The light feeling in your chest, deep breathing through your nose to take it all in, the sudden strength your abs can hold, the sparkle that reflects from bright wide eyes, and the feeling your blood is pumping so fast and hard as though you could take off running.
This past week I was empowered. I felt these feelings and felt unstoppable.
I was at the hospital this past week in clinicals, defined as a 'student' experiencing the fears of being in the way, questioning whether I'm doing anything right, and if my work is in anyway beneficial. It was then, someone came around the corner and said "Hey, you wanna start an IV?"
"Me?" Um..."I've done it on a dummy before, so I think I could"
But with a little reassurance and patience...I got it!!! Such a small moment but I felt amazing. As if the training wheels just came off, or my curfew got moved back a little.
It was later my professor looked at me and said..."You're ready to do this." And those feelings of tears were at the threshold of my eyelids and every nerve in my body agreed with her.
She was the same professor that was with me as a sophomore, when I had just put on my blue scrubs for maybe the first or second time, nervous to go talk to patients because I felt so small and couldn't figure out how to get the plastic covering over the thermometer. We laughed about that and she just stared at me and said "yeah, you're ready."
I'm not sure how many professors look at their students and say that. But mine did and she has no idea the feelings I left the hospital with that day.
And the funny thing about being empowered is that you just want to give the feeling away to others.
meg
to equip or supply with an ability; enable
To be empowered is maybe one of the best feelings to experience. The light feeling in your chest, deep breathing through your nose to take it all in, the sudden strength your abs can hold, the sparkle that reflects from bright wide eyes, and the feeling your blood is pumping so fast and hard as though you could take off running.
This past week I was empowered. I felt these feelings and felt unstoppable.
I was at the hospital this past week in clinicals, defined as a 'student' experiencing the fears of being in the way, questioning whether I'm doing anything right, and if my work is in anyway beneficial. It was then, someone came around the corner and said "Hey, you wanna start an IV?"
"Me?" Um..."I've done it on a dummy before, so I think I could"
But with a little reassurance and patience...I got it!!! Such a small moment but I felt amazing. As if the training wheels just came off, or my curfew got moved back a little.
It was later my professor looked at me and said..."You're ready to do this." And those feelings of tears were at the threshold of my eyelids and every nerve in my body agreed with her.
She was the same professor that was with me as a sophomore, when I had just put on my blue scrubs for maybe the first or second time, nervous to go talk to patients because I felt so small and couldn't figure out how to get the plastic covering over the thermometer. We laughed about that and she just stared at me and said "yeah, you're ready."
I'm not sure how many professors look at their students and say that. But mine did and she has no idea the feelings I left the hospital with that day.
And the funny thing about being empowered is that you just want to give the feeling away to others.
meg
Monday, September 21, 2009
Big Hill, Little Girl
I love walking back to my house. It's just off campus behind a really big hill. And walking towards the hill you can see my house. And while I'm walking home I see my house in plain sight and I begin to think through the things that have been on my mind all day such as the homework that needs to get done, the food I need to fix for myself, the relaxation I hope to experience before I end the day, the chores that need to be done, and the organization I do before starting tomorrow.
My mind makes lists and my drive to living is checking them off. But about this time in the walk when I've made all the lists and assigned a clock to monitor the time to complete the lists, the sidewalk I'm walking on goes to the side of that big hill. And suddenly I can't see my house anymore. And I can't help but notice how small I feel walking beside the big hill. I can't see anything on the other side of it. It's just me and the hill. And when its dark, its just me. I smile at the fact that this hill has made me feel so small. Like a little girl. And then I forget about the lists. And if I were as small as I feel then I wouldn't worry about the homework, I would just play. And little girls don't think about bills or a time schedule.
I'm thankful for the hill by my house. It reminds me I'm not as old as I try to think sometimes.
meg
My mind makes lists and my drive to living is checking them off. But about this time in the walk when I've made all the lists and assigned a clock to monitor the time to complete the lists, the sidewalk I'm walking on goes to the side of that big hill. And suddenly I can't see my house anymore. And I can't help but notice how small I feel walking beside the big hill. I can't see anything on the other side of it. It's just me and the hill. And when its dark, its just me. I smile at the fact that this hill has made me feel so small. Like a little girl. And then I forget about the lists. And if I were as small as I feel then I wouldn't worry about the homework, I would just play. And little girls don't think about bills or a time schedule.
I'm thankful for the hill by my house. It reminds me I'm not as old as I try to think sometimes.
meg
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