I've been Eaten

"Nurses eat their young"

A little saying known in the health care field...I've always wondered what this means but let me tell you what it means:

It means crushing a small spirit that's trying to grow.

It means snatching the joy right out of some one's heart.

It means snickering at another just to make them feel belittled.

It means having no remorse for the little girl who's crying in the bathroom.

Worst day of my life today. That's an exaggerated saying, but really. This someone was me and you could go so far to say that today I was eaten by my very own kind.

I had clinicals in the ICU today and I was feeling a little intimidated just walking in. It'd been a week or two since I'd been here so its like trying to remember what it feels like to tie shoe strings when you've had velcro shoes for a couple of years. You don't actually forget...its just weird for awhile.

To add to my intimidation and uneasiness I got assigned to the worst nurse on the planet. I guess I'll give her some credit...but not much. I had watched her on the floor before today and I was scared of her not even having her as my assigned nurse. She's terrible rude and unapproachable, stuck in her ways, and maybe even holds her nose a little higher than everyone else. (that's my opinion anyways)

I worked up the courage to introduce myself to her and she barely looked at me twice. She told me I wouldn't have much to do during the day...immediately shooting me down. Most nurses let you follow them or show you stuff as they go about their day. This one didn't care if I sat in the corner all morning.

So I tried to continue on with positive thoughts and did the things I knew how to and then it came for me to give my patient her morning meds at 9 am but this nurse already did it at 7:30. Shot down. No opportunity for me.

I tried to keep myself busy and look around for stuff to get in on, but I just kept feeling in the way and unimportant. I kept telling myself that I was important and then all of sudden I began believing that I wasn't.

The ICU seemed so big. The halls were so long. And I was so small.

I tried to ask my nurse a question later and again, shot down. I was just in her way. Again, my patient wanted to talk to her so I said I would go find her for them and when I got her attention she was annoyed and asked what it is that she could possibly be needed for that I couldn't just do myself.

By 10 am, the doctor had ordered a new medicine for my patient and got excited that it was finally time to BE something of importance and have some kind of worth. But I had to wait on my professor and by the time the nurse saw I was still waiting on my professor (maybe a 15 min. wait) the nurse said "I'll just do it" and ripped the medicine right out of my hand and ran into the room to do it with no regard of anything that she just destroyed in me.

I wanted to cry. But I held back. I tried to still watch. But nothing inside me wanted to be in the hospital anymore. I didn't even want to have my scrubs anymore. I'll turn in my badge. I'll hand you anything you need to let me go. I don't want this anymore.

I spent awhile crying in the bathroom. And I spent more hours today debating on whether I should actually be a nurse. One of my most truest passions.

But then my professor saw me and took me to a quiet room and sat down in a chair beside me and just let me vent. She talked with me and calmed me down and then looked me in the eye and said "You're gonna be a good nurse."

So I believed her.

I dried my eyes and thought...I hope I have a student follow me someday and when I do...I hope I make them feel on top of the world. Not like shit. I deserved better. Human beings deserve better.

My professor said I still learned things today. Maybe I did. She's probably right.

meg